Best Served Cold
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: Unexpected time travel can provide endless hours of entertainment...if you do it right. Under any other circumstances Harry would have done everything in his power to set things right the Gryffindor way. Too bad he's learned a lot since that final battle. Meet the biggest prankster in the Ministry's dreaded Audit department, and with one heck of a grudge to grind!
1. Chapter 1

**Yes, I have read Inspected by Number 13. I was originally stuck on how to proceed until I read it. And yes, I did make an unintentional reference to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in there. Without further ado, I present the full fic of Best Served Cold! (Before anyone asks, Yes I did use a pic of Kyoya Ootori as the cover art. He just seemed to suit this version of Harry best.)  
**

* * *

Inside a far too small cupboard for a growing child, the lone occupant of the "room" blinked rapidly, before an evil grin appeared on his face.

Those damn pure bloods wouldn't know what hit them, and this time he was going to make them think twice about turning him into their whipping boy. The war was a secondary matter...if he dealt with the main idiots first, then the casualties would be kept to a minimum.

Nothing made pure bloods think twice about being idiots like being unable to pay for their injuries. It might take a few tries, but they'd get the hint pretty fast.

But first, he needed to take stock of how far back he was, give Vernon and his aunt a damn good reason to leave him the hell alone, and then start making plans to really spice things up.

Which was why, after taking a brief look at the date (he had two years to 'train' his uncle and cousin to back off). And the first thing he did after determining how much time he had to really change things, was to insure he had his little mini-pocket realm accessible.

After one too many fan girls and idiot pure bloods breaking into his house (usually to either violate him or try and kill him) he researched pocket dimensions. It was surprisingly simple, and turned out to be a lesser known skill among the pure bloods for important documents. Mostly the higher ranked Aurors on high profile cases, or Unspeakables.

A little known perk of the pocket realms was that while it couldn't store food or anything living, as long as you knew how to access it, anything stored was available anywhere...or anywhen.

It made it a lot easier for people who used time turners to deliver necessary court documents on time for important cases. Which had been a problem in the past.

Once he confirmed he had the right documents, his grin became vicious.

Those idiots wouldn't know what hit them.

* * *

The biggest sign something had changed in the brat was the fact he came home early. Or at least Petunia assumed he did.

Her nephew hated the house, a sentiment she made sure to encourage. So the fact that he was there at all raised alarm bells.

This was actually part of Vernon's lunch hour, and he had come home early because he didn't want to waste money buying from a new restaurant while his preferred one was under renovations.

Vernon disliked new things.

"BOY! What are you doing here?"

Instead of flinching, as he usually did at the enraged tone, the freak looked them both in the eye and they were the one to flinch back.

"Let's get one thing straight, _aunt and uncle_ ," said the freak with a far too calm voice. He spat out the titles as if they were curse words. "You don't want me here, and I would gladly watch this place burn to the ground and would only come back to piss on the asses. But since we're stuck with each other, I'm damn well not going to take your shit any longer than I have to."

Vernon's face blistered with rage, but before he could get a word in, Harry merely pointed at the lightbulb above him and it exploded. Their worst fears had come true...the freak knew of his powers.

Both were silent with horror.

"Here's the thing about the backwards morons who call themselves superior. They don't track magic without a wand, and all I have to do is occupy that senile old woman Figg to keep that idiot Dumbledore out of my way. However I'm not above working out a little deal with you," said Harry flatly.

"What sort of deal?"

"You don't have to talk to me or even acknowledge my existence during the summer months I'm stuck here, once that outdated castle finally deigns to remember me. If we can pretend that we're roommates who are forced to live with each other long until I'm at least fifteen. By that time I can sue for emancipation in both worlds. Hell, I could care less if you feed me just the 'rabbit food' that Dudley and Vernon can't stand," said Harry.

Petunia blinked. It sounded far more reasonable than expecting them to suddenly acknowledge he was one of them.

"You'll still have to do chores," she warned him.

"Fair enough, but don't shunt all of it on me. If this works out I _might_ be able to send some of my inheritance your way as payment for putting up with me for all these years."

"What sort of inheritance?" demanded Vernon, greed coming into his eyes.

"We use gold, silver and copper as our currency. And before you get any ideas of trying to steal it, thanks to the stupidity of the 'pure' magicals there is simply no way to transfer money to the normal world. They refuse to allow it. However, the conversion rate between normal pounds or Euros is enough that I could literally take your bank account and convert into gold. The idiots didn't even bother to put a limit to how much you could convert to gold bullion."

Petunia latched on to that bit of news.

"You're saying you could convert our entire bank account into normal gold?" said Petunia.

"I know some lesser branches that keep a stash of it. I could waltz in with pounds and come out with several tons of gold that you could keep in a Swiss bank...all for looking the other way," said Harry flatly.

"Could you give us a moment?" said Petunia.

"Take your time. I went back two hours just to make sure we came to a proper understanding. As far as the neighbors are concerned, I'm still in school at the moment," agreed Harry. He loved his time turner.

Fifteen minutes later his 'relatives' came to an understanding.

"We'll pretend you don't exist outside the times you convert our accounts to gold. However I won't stand the smells of any potions, and keep the magic usage out of sight," said Petunia.

"Fair enough. Also, you might want to consider getting Dudley interested in boxing or mixed martial arts soon. It'll give him an edge when he goes to Smeltings," said Harry to Vernon.

Dudley had surprisingly become a boxing champion of the heavyweight division for England in the future.

Vernon didn't seem to mind the suggestion...far from it.

* * *

 _Some time later..._

The effects of Harry's talk with his 'relatives' took less than a month for it to take effect.

First and foremost, he got several vaccinations he had missed out on the first time, as well as more food. Petunia even gave him the second bedroom, with the agreement to look the other way if he kept anything after fixing it.

Another change was that Vernon (reluctantly) agreed to let Harry have a computer in his room with working internet.

This was mostly because Harry did vaguely recall some of the bigger companies in the normal world, and with their permission, invested _heavily_ in them while they were still growing before the age of internet really took off.

The first dividends of that would come to fruition within two months, as Google really shot up like a rocket. And thanks to his knowledge of certain scandals along with the books on the business market, and the outcomes of various sports that wouldn't be overly affected by his return in his pocket realm, he was almost certain to make a killing so long as he did it right.

Just because the magicals were idiots didn't mean that they hadn't compiled a list of things to watch for. Thank magic for internet transactions. It was harder to trace.

Harry considered this a vast improvement, considering last time it was nothing but neglect and borderline abuse.

Appealing to their greed and common sense worked wonders.

They could live with pretending he didn't exist. He could live with helping them get an even bigger bank account than they could have thought possible because of a loophole in the protection Dumbledore stuck him with.

And once he got things going, Vernon would never have to work again because Harry knew how to set a self-sustaining system that brought money in from over the internet.

And that appealed to the tub of lard. They could go on vacations and do almost whatever they damn well pleased...and all the had to do was make a small agreement with a rather cutthroat nephew. Even the fat pig could understand not killing to golden goose when it could still lay eggs.

* * *

 _Harry, Age Eleven..._

A much more well rounded pre-teen picked up the envelope with a smirk. Thanks to the fact he exploited a loophole the goblins were unable to fix in their conversion rates, his 'relatives' were much more manageable. And he had insured Vernon wouldn't bother him again by simply appealing to the man's greed and common sense.

So long as he produced the money in their new Swiss accounts, Vernon would pretend not to notice magic use or the fact that his nephew was getting the majority of his gold from strange sources.

And no, the irony that he was fattening his own bank accounts with the gold of people who thought themselves too good to do things normally was not lost on any of them.

Harry had been methodical. He had gone in with a different disguise and name each time, all with Petunia's help, and then systematically drained the goblin's gold supply dry with converting gold to pounds back to gold and then into the Swiss banks. Most of the minor banks had been taken out.

Harry wasn't stupid enough to hit Gringotts directly. At least not until he could really hit it hard.

He was still warming his aunt up to letting him get a Capuchin monkey that he would name Jack. She barely tolerated Ripper.

He would have that monkey though. Just for the pure entertainment of being able to recreate the movie that sparked the idea of draining the goblins (and by extension the pure bloods) dry of their gold.

His motto was "Take what you can, give nothing back."

Harry held up the letter, and Petunia smirked.

Knowing her nephew was about to drop a massive bomb on the very people who cost her Lily had made her infinitely more tolerable. As was the fact that they had essentially kicked out any watchers in the neighborhood.

Figg had been evicted when an anonymous complaint to the Inland Revenue Service had them investigating exactly HOW she had kept her house, not to mention the absurd number of cats.

All the neighbors testified against her. How she didn't have a job (not even one over the internet) to the fact she did nothing about her cats becoming a nuisance to the neighborhood.

Ms. Figg had a rough time explaining how she paid for her taxes when she never sold any of her cats (she was not happy with animal control coming in and basically capturing her beloved pets), or the fact she had almost no files on record of her ever paying her taxes in the first place.

And the smell when the animal control went in... the house was lucky not to be condemned from the ammonia alone.

Harry waited until he got the news she wasn't coming back to that house anytime soon (most, if not all of her kneazles were confiscated on the grounds of animal cruelty) before he had Vernon swoop into the realtors office who had landed the mess she left behind and pay for it himself.

Harry planned to demolish it and rebuild a new, more modern house in it's place. It would become a quiet cash cow that he owned the title to, and would rent out to people he knew had zero connections to magic.

Vernon didn't care, as long as that batty old woman never came back. And with Harry holding the title, it was unlikely she would be able to live in Little Whinging ever again. Or any of Dumbledore's pawns.

Petunia was also more than happy to make Dumbledore's life more difficult than necessary, so if any new neighbors came in she would find a way to invite herself in and snoop for even a hint of magic.

It didn't hurt that Harry told her exactly what to look for.

Very few muggleborns would do Dumbledore any favors, and those that did would have had to take their A-levels after the fact. Squibs were also easy to spot...they held a natural resentment to those with magic.

And don't get him started on how the magically raised pure bloods and half bloods would stand out.

Vernon was kind enough to drop him just a few blocks away from the Leaky Cauldron. So long as Harry brought him a sack full of gold, he could look the other way on a lot of things he normally wouldn't have tolerated.

Harry walked into Diagon, and almost felt nostalgia.

Then he remembered how badly these bastards tried to screw him over the first time, and any chance he might have gone easy on them vanished.

He walked into Gringotts, asked for the inheritance test, and waited until it was confirmed he had several active vaults before he made the first strike.

Step one, he brought out a briefcase full of parchment that was full of legal terms that would go over the heads of most pure bloods...and the binding signatures written with a blood quill. That meant that the magical signature would be on the parchment as well.

"Where do I go to have these put into effect?" he asked with a smirk.

The goblin took one look at them, before saying "Three doors down and to the right. Next!"

"What do you want?"

"I'm calling these in, with the condition that the gold go into the Peverell vault and not the Potter one. No need to hear the idiots whine to me about losing their gold," said Harry flatly.

The goblin's eyes went wide as he saw the multiple contracts.

"Bring them over here. I have to check the validity of the contracts."

He took out a strange artifact and waved it over each one. Every single contract (there were twenty sheets, each for a different pure blood family that had pissed Harry off at some point or were on the wrong side of the war) lit up briefly, before the glow dimmed.

"Confirmed. You said you want the gold to go into the Peverell account, correct?"

Harry moved aside all but one.

"These (he motioned to the nineteen he had under his hand) go into the Peverell account. This one goes to the Weasley account. Call it an anonymous donation with the agreement that the donor stays unknown."

"Very well. Follow my associate so that we can get these debts settled," said the goblin.

Harry nodded. He did not lower his guard, because this was actually a risky gamble. Wizards weren't the only ones that knew of time travelers. And there were easy ways to pick up on time travelers.

Too bad Harry had something most of them didn't.

Common bloody sense.

With the use of a wandless memory charm, and writing a diary that had the counter charm on the first page, Harry was relatively sure he could skate by whatever the goblins used to detect people like him.

Sure enough, the goblins were quick to test him for time travel, and aside from having to show off his "mother's" time turner, they came up empty. And he had walked into Gringotts with his briefcase, so they couldn't bust his knowledge of how to make or use pocket dimensions.

Without any proof of time travel, they had to honor the contract Harry had brought with him.

Quite a few Death Eater and old families were going to be in for a nasty surprise the next time they went to bribe their way out of prison.


	2. Chapter 2

**Just to clear up a misconception, Harry did not make his "relatives" super rich. More like he deposits a few hundred thousand into their accounts every month, which is more than enough to keep them off his ass. Vernon has no idea what Harry really makes, just that he makes enough to pay them off. He also knows Harry is the one with the Master password to all the Swiss accounts. So Harry can leave them broke at any time, because if they try to kill him, they get nothing.**

* * *

It had taken several days work of dealing with idiots, but he managed to secure a new wand that didn't come from Ollivanders. More than that, he had managed to secure a spot for the best show in a while.

Lucius Malfoy having a mental breakdown upon finding out he was almost destitute...all because of his son.

But the fun hadn't stopped there. Lucius was already calling in favors to try and salvage his family fortune...except even more families were learning with some horror that their own fortunes were in jeopardy of being gone.

Harry managed not to laugh or cackle as the darker pure bloods and some of the lighter ones were quickly learning that there had been a shift in power.

Political or personal power was fine in it's own right, but Tom had never understood that the easiest way to force Pure bloods to dance to his tune was to control the money.

* * *

September first came far too quickly for his tastes. While he had set up his system to be self-sustaining, sometimes the market changed too quickly for a once a year check.

He had to wait for the technology to catch up...and for the Japanese to figure out a way to make laptops work. He hated being stuck in the early age of computers and the internet.

He had gotten used to WiFi, and now he was stuck in the hellish age when dial-up internet was still considered the best option.

He found himself confronted by Vernon right as the man was dropping him off at King's Cross station.

"Tell me boy, how are you going to handle these so-called pure bloods if they bring up their missing gold?"

"Same way I dealt with them in my time, Uncle Vernon," said Harry with an evil gleam in his eyes. He pulled out a clipboard with very official looking forms and a proper badge complete with identifying number.

It took Vernon a few moments to recognize the forms on the clipboard, before he started laughing. Hard.

"Nothing says you're my bitch now like an Auditor who has a grudge to grind," said Harry cheekily.

Harry was more than some paltry Auror.

He was one of the people that not even the goblins would piss off.

An auditor. One word from him (along with the appropriate forms filled out and in triplicate) and he could have any death eater or higher up bogged down in so much paperwork and bureaucratic back talk that they'd be unable to do anything or even spend a single knut without filing at least ten forms in triplicate and explaining in excruciating detail exactly why they were spending it. And then it would have to be checked, rechecked, lost, found and then stamped...three months in advance.

Needless to say Percy was by far one of his favorite Weasleys...even if it had taken months before he had the chance to explain why he was an Auditor and not an Auror.

Ron had never really forgiven him after he said something to piss Harry off enough that he put _him_ under an audit.

Best of all, any forms he submitted would stick, because Harry had gone in a week ago and filed all appropriate forms in advance to reactivate his badge in the past.

Again, Time travelers really weren't as rare as Hermione would have thought. So long as they filled out the right forms, any power they held inside the Ministry could be reactivated within reason.

Usually it was an Auror or Unspeakable that got sent back...they were much more active. It was odd for a high ranking Auditor to fall prey to the phenomena.

Then again, Harry had always preferred to see the horrified looks of his 'victims' up close and personal, behind conjured shields when they got the news.

Harry could see the open respect in Vernon's face. He couldn't hold with magic...it made things too easy in his opinion...but a petty bureaucrat was another matter.

Besides, Harry had been helping Vernon outwit the Internal Revenue Service since he came back in exchange for minor things he didn't get the first time...like properly fitting clothes and a new pair of prescription glasses.

Vernon was all too happy to hand over the paperwork to his nephew, especially when the check came back a hundred pounds higher than he normally got.

"Give them hell boy."

"Take what you can, give nothing back. Payback is a bitch, and I fully intend to collect if it means giving that old goat and the sheep a reason to leave me the hell alone."

Harry had been rather vindictive when he started forcing all those idiots who wrote the Harry Potter "books" to file them as _fiction_ and to repay him for all the bullshit they had been spreading for the past ten years under his name.

Vernon helped his nephew take out his trunk, place it on a trolley, and waved cheerfully at him before he pulled out.

It was really amazing how much better his home life was now that he was able to push the right buttons and stay on their good side.

It didn't hurt that Dudley's bad behavior had taken a massive hit with Harry convincing Vernon to put his foot down on his allowance. Most of the expenses on his tax forms were related to them spoiling the overweight brat.

Dudley had to maintain a certain grade point average without cheating, and he had to get into a _healthy_ weight class. In exchange Vernon paid for boxing and martial arts lessons, as well as upgrades to any new technology.

Dudley had not been happy, but thanks to wandless magic, Harry was able to cut off any whining almost immediately.

His attempts to 'starve' himself were met with complete failure and actually contributed to him losing ten pounds.

Petunia had been upset, right until Harry provided several scientifically proven documents on the health risks of being that obese so young and telling her of the multiple health issues Dudley had had before Harry accidentally came back in time.

Like the three separate heart attacks in a period of two years. Harry only knew of those because mind-boggling enough, Dudley had named him as his emergency contact.

* * *

Harry was busy catching up on his reading when Ron walked in. He took one look at the rather complicated muggle science journal (thanks to the wonder of personal post boxes and the fact Petunia could live with an owl around the house to send to Harry) he was keeping up-to-date on the latest discoveries to make an even bigger profit using money from people who had pissed him off.

It wasn't that he even cared about the money...he just liked using it as a way to get the collective idiots that made up the magical society to leave him the hell alone.

Ron took one look at the book and backed away slowly before finding a car that wasn't filled with bookworms.

Unlike the first time, it took seven tries before someone was desperate enough to sit with him. That person was Hermione and a very nervous Neville Longbottom.

"Relax, unless you annoy me too much the odds of me filing the paperwork against the Longbottoms are rather low. And you're partially protected until you graduate. Regulations prevent us from filing any forms against non-magically raised minors, since they're protected by Hogwarts. The Malfoys have more to fear from me," said Harry without looking up from his journal.

"What do you mean file?"

Neville shuddered.

"He's a member of the one of the three most feared departments in the Ministry. How did you manage to get approved before Hogwarts? I thought they only accepted graduates with high marks in Arithmancy?"

"Actually the only requirement is that you at least know high-school level math and know how to do high calculations in your head while delivering forms. Mostly so you can deduct the standard one-third or 33 percent cutback for the department. Another big thing is to have legible hand writing and have the common sense to file forms for ignoring certain protocols for friends, family and those you happen to like."

He looked up, saw the look Hermione was giving him, before shrugging.

"I'm the kind of bureaucrat adults fear. With the right forms I can make the lives of any pure blood a living hell to the point that not even the Minister would dare cross me."

Hermione's mind was racing, before she came to only three conclusions.

"Revenue, Audit or Lawyer?"

"Audit. Though it doesn't help that I made the lives of Death Eaters who managed to bribe their way out of their much-earned permanent stay in Azkaban harder than it needs to be."

Harry's expression was more than slightly terrifying.

"I love being able to tell a Malfoy to shut it and not have to worry about listening to them go on and on about pure blood pride."

Hermione's expression blanked.

"What exactly would I need to do in order to become an Auditor?"

"A basic knowledge of real math, not the kind they teach in Arithimancy, legible handwriting and the ability to write and file forms in triplicate correctly. That and a very high score in your Defense Against the Dark Arts N.E.W.T.s on level with a high ranking Auror or Unspeakable. The barristers are just as bad, but they also have the ability to _make_ laws, not just use paperwork to make people's lives hell on a whim."

"What about the Revenue?" asked Hermione.

"They're only feared part-time. It's considered the drop-out department for those with too low a score for the Audit department. Usually those who can file the right forms and do the right calculations, but don't have the right power or skill level to defend against irate pure bloods."

Considering Draco's attitude when he came into the compartment (Harry's badge was hidden under his robes) Hermione looked Harry in the eye and said "I want in the barrister department."

"Well every Auditor could use a barrister who's not afraid to help write up new forms to make things needlessly harder for the pure bloods... and with the right mind set you could have people like Draco kissing your shoes calling you Mistress to keep me from setting the Revenue department on him."

Ron hadn't known when marrying Hermione, but she had a dominatrix kink that was rather well hidden. At least until Harry introduced her to some people during a Ministry party, and suddenly Ron hated him.

He did not enjoy being dominated by his already bossy wife.

* * *

"Slytherin! And may the Gods have mercy on your souls!" said the Hat loudly, before shuddering.

Harry couldn't help it. He had to do the whole maniacal laughter bit.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The look Dumbledore shot him? Totally worth it.

Harry waited until he was sitting pretty at the Slytherin table before he loudly announced "I am only going to give this warning once. First round of morons who try to hex, curse or otherwise attack me will suffer my wrath."

* * *

Harry was particularly smug when Snape called him into his office, likely to try and intimidate him. One legilmency probe later and Snape was looking at him like he was the spawn of Satan himself.

"You are _evil_."

"If you agree to help, I can make anyone who's ever made your school years harder than it needed to be miserable. Sirius is out mostly because he's in prison and Remus doesn't have enough to bother with, but everyone else is fair game. _Including_ Dumbledore and McGonagall."

"...Time traveler?"

"Time traveler. I may not like you, but it's easier to make a deal with you than to have you actively working against me by warning the old goat. Besides, the only reason I agreed to Slytherin is so I have a front-row seat to watching the inbred morons who look down on half-bloods like us squirm like the worms they are," said Harry with a patented Snape Sneer.

"I'll make a list, and you agree to share any pensieve memories of Dumbledore's face when he finds out you're not the Dark Lord but something far worse," said Snape.

"Deal."

"Any idea how Lucius lost the majority of his gold?"

"I may or may not have activated several high-stakes poker contracts that they lost horribly at, all magically binding. Not my fault that I played my way through all the Death Eater families my sixth year as a way to find some dirt on Draco."

It had only been the shock of losing Dumbledore and the fact he had been unable to reach Gringotts before being declared Persona Non Grata that kept him from claiming them the first time. He had kept them, but the bitterness against the goblins and not trusting them to try and cheat him out of his won gold had meant he had held onto the papers...and they were the first things he placed in his sub dimension when he had the chance.

"Oh, and before I forget. Next time you wish to indulge in maniacal laughter that makes people believe you're the next dark lord in training, try to add some lightning."

"I would have, but that would bring up questions on HOW I know that spell. Think you can swing me a semi-permanent pass to the restricted section next week so we can claim I blackmailed you into it after you've proved to the first years you're a cynical bastard who enjoys making Hufflepuffs cry?"

Snape snorted. It was like he was dealing with a Slytherin Marauder.

"Dye your hair red so I can pretend you took after your mother rather than that bastard of a father of yours, and you have a deal."

"Not a problem," said Harry cheerfully. "Or I could dye it green and claim I'm showing house solidarity. And give McGonagall a reason to drink other than the fact I'm a snake instead of a lion."

Snape cheered up at the idea.


	3. Chapter 3

It took two weeks before the uproar of a Slytherin Boy-Who-Lived to die down. Hermione, armed with the knowledge she could make the pure bloods dance to her tune resulted in a much happier girl.

Diving into magical law books, Hermione hated the hypocrisy of the pure bloods. Knowing a friend in the Auditor's department opened a lot of doors that would have been closed to her...because Harry had no issues going after the pure bloods. None at all.

Case in point, the short lived attempt by Draco to rule Slytherin. A single talk with Harry had the boy avoiding him like the black plague.

What most didn't know was that Draco verified the badge as authentic...and that Harry was experienced enough to know exactly _how_ to hit Lucius in a way that he wouldn't be able to retaliate for. Not with the fact that their vaults had taken such a massive hit. He was barely making payments to the Minister. It was just luck that Draco had gotten his school things before the hit.

Knowing Potter had the power to initiate a full audit (something Lucius had made a point to comment on to his wife within hearing of their son) meant Draco was put in his place discreetly.

In short, Harry Potter was now the "Prince" of Slytherin.

Something that worried Dumbledore greatly, as he remembered Tom Riddle vividly.

About the only consolation was that Potter seemed to dislike pure bloods, rather than muggles. Considering he had spent far too many hours protecting the status quot from being tipped too quickly in the favor of one party or another, it was still worrying.

The thing that baffled Dumbledore was that Potter didn't rule with charisma, power or overt threats against students. No, he seemed to hold power over the _parents_. Families not known to be cowed even by Dumbledore himself!

They went out of their way to avoid angering Potter, to the point that the word "mudblood" was scarcely heard from the Slytherins, and the amount of hazing from the older, darker families to the muggleborns was so low that he _knew_ something was going on.

He had no idea how Potter had done it, but past failures with another Slytherin had him watching the boy very closely.

* * *

Harry was in a rather good mood. He had managed to do the one thing Dumbledore could have never accomplished.

He forced the Slytherins to be _civil_ to the other houses.

They didn't respect his lineage, his 'moniker' as the Boy-Who-Lived, and thanks to the mismanagement of Dumbledore, any political power the Potter family might have had was almost nonexistent for him.

No, Harry learned the hard way that pure bloods would never truly respect a half blood. Especially from the darker families.

However they could learn to _fear_.

If power, charisma and blood wouldn't work, then the only option left was money.

And if they couldn't take him seriously because everyone thought he was to become Dumbledore's protege, they would believe the very real threat to their gold.

Especially when Harry _demonstrated_ that yes, he DID have the power to rob them of any financial freedom they had for a minimum of four months by going after a very popular dark family legally.

Word of a junior Auditor that knew how to fill all the right forms and had enough pull to have it go through was something they could recognize as a threat.

The Goldwin family would be in for a rough five months.

He had to admit, tweaking Dumbledore's nose was equally fun. He _let_ the old goat see him manipulating the Slytherins with only a few words. He never allowed the old man to learn of his Auditor's badge...simply placing it on the inside of his shirt and charming the back of the pin was child's play.

The headmaster thought he was using dark magic or discreet threats to keep the Slytherins in line. He would never suspect the real reason, as the spell to verify a Ministry badge was not something casually used at Hogwarts. Then again neither was the Animagi spell.

He briefly toyed at the idea of teaching Hermione the spell, just to see her find Pettigrew, but decided against it.

He could discreetly direct the girl to the case file, or lack thereof.

Harry had made a point to look into his family history, citing that because he lived with his mother's sister, he had no access to the history of the Potter family.

Several Slytherins had offered access to books not at Hogwarts in an attempt to keep Harry from using his skills to go after their families.

It was more than he had ever gotten the first time around, and it was infinitely more interesting than first year work.

He would give it until Christmas before he considered the idea of directing Hermione to the case of Sirius Black. While he had created a more tolerable environment in his aunt's house, that didn't mean he had lost his resentment of how things had gone.

He was just a lot better at hiding the true depth of his grudge until the papers were filed. It was why he was the second most powerful male in his department.

Unsurprisingly the one who ran his department, even in his time, was a woman.

Most of his department was female, and a good chunk of them muggleborns with a grudge.

It would surprise many to learn that the Auditors were more of a family than the Aurors. Shared pain and resentment towards the very laws and society that tried to keep them down tended to make them congregate together.

Though he would admit he would cherish the expression of the head goblin when he found out how Harry managed to 'steal' so much gold from very wealthy families and hide his time traveler status.

By the time they found out the truth, it was too late to do a damn thing. And they had a natural respect for Auditors simply because they were equally despised by wizards.

* * *

"Can I have a moment of your time, Mr. Potter?"

Harry didn't have to look to know who was behind him.

It was the headmaster.

"I'm dreadfully sorry Headmaster, but I need to go to Transfiguration class. I'm afraid Professor McGonagall was most put out when I was sorted into Slytherin instead of Gryffindor like everyone expected. I would rather not have the Deputy Headmistress more upset with me over being late," said Harry politely.

"I'm sure Minerva will understand if I write you a note."

It wasn't a request.

Harry mentally sighed. He had been expecting this for two months, but Dumbledore's patience was rather large.

Not as large as Harry's, but more than most wizards.

Harry mentally fortified his shields, but rather than make it obvious he knew Occulmency, he did a trick he had learned from his boss.

It was a false wall.

Dumbledore could break the fake wall, and find childish memories and no real clues to the truth, unaware of the real memories.

Harry's "key" to the real memories was hidden behind something so innocuous that not even Dumbledore would notice it.

A picture of his parents, carefully edited with the memories of a small child. Some parts of it were wrong and the colors were a bit muddled, but it was clearly a picture of Lily and James Potter as a child would remember them. There were cobwebs and dust on the picture, belaying it's age.

Harry felt Dumbledore's legilmency probe, as he made innocuous small talk trying to gauge whether or not he was the next Voldemort...or worse, possessed by the shard he knew was there.

But this wasn't an eleven year old awed by Dumbledore's legend or cowed by the presence of a teacher.

This was a war veteran who had found his revenge by becoming something he never would have expected in his youth. A bloodthirsty bureaucrat who could complete endless piles of paperwork in triplicate, with all the T's crossed and I's dotted in the appropriate places for hours on end without feeling bored and driven by a sense of justice that was never fulfilled because of corruption.

The Auditors didn't hate Death Eaters and their ilk...they positively _loathed_ them. It had nothing to do with their personal views or the way the idiots looked down on anyone they didn't consider 'pure'. Oh no, they hated them because the corruption in the Ministry meant they got a substantially lower cut and the idiots never filed the paperwork to make the bribes easier to track.

Auditors liked to keep things tidy and had an OCD-like compulsion to keep everything organized. They could ignore bribes and discreet kickbacks. What they didn't like was the fact that they never _recorded_ them or filed the paperwork so that the Ministry's budget could be accounted for to the last knut.

Harry only joined after a smart ass remark by Ron about how the only way he'd get any justice for the crap the Death Eaters pulled to get out of jail was to somehow alert the Auditing department to something amiss in the Ministry vaults.

It had been Percy who clarified what they did, and a week later he was accepted as a junior member with an ax to grind. So long as the paperwork was filed and everything was kept nice and tidy according to department standards, they could care less if Harry used their department to get some payback without the threat of Azkaban hanging overhead.

Harry left the personal office of the Headmaster with a sense of amusement that Dumbledore missed the real prize.

Then again, while he respected the headmaster to a point, the man had been far too manipulative for his tastes.

Harry was halfway to the dorms when an idea occurred to him.

He could see Sirius and give the man something other than innocence to cling to while Hermione impressed the law department enough to give her an internship by freeing him.

His next thought was something only a seasoned member of the more bureaucratic side of the Ministry would have.

"God's bless the bureaucracy."

* * *

 _In Gryffindor..._

Percy Weasley looked up from his homework. He had sensed the presence of another. One who shared his love of what his siblings would consider meaningless busywork that made things pointlessly complicated.

Percy was a true born bureaucrat. He could fill and file endless hour of paperwork and not feel bored.

Most of his classmates found him tedious and irritating.

Nodding to himself, Percy decided to find his kindred spirit. His good mood freaked his younger, more immature siblings out greatly for _days_.

It took all of three days for Percy to notice Harry, and an hour before the older student agreed to intercede on his behalf in the event that he needed help from an older student.

The second he found out Harry was a full Ministry employee, not just a junior one working his way into a proper position, the teen's attitude took a monumental change.

* * *

Harry had always found Percy to be grating and overbearing.

Now he was a close friend who shared the same interests. And for Hermione, he was the _one_ person who didn't treat her like an annoying know-it-all.

Having one ally in a house where most were slackers made her life considerably easier. Especially when that person was a prefect.

Percy took it as a personal offense when Ron mocked her outside Charms.

The howler he got from his mother didn't endear the girl to the rather obtuse preteen, but it did teach him to keep his comments to himself.

On the plus side, he did get the rather satisfying sight of Dumbledore looking as though someone had slipped him a potion to help with constipation mixed with expired prune juice into his morning drink.

To be fair, he wasn't expecting the audit demanding to see the school's budget two days after Halloween.

The troll Quirrelmort unleashed gave Harry the perfect excuse to ruins the headmaster's day. And because he had only been monitoring the floo and owl communications immediately after the incident, he never caught the brief flare of magic from the Slytherin dorms caused by Harry delivering his report on the troll attack and the rumors of a floor being too dangerous for students to enter under threat of death.

Harry filed all the appropriate papers (with Percy happily observing a master at work) and the incident report. With a simple tap of his badge against the clipboard, the papers were filed automatically with the head of his department.

The second she read that report (along with the complaint that there was a high likelihood of Dumbledore or one of the staff misappropriating funds...he claimed there was no excuse for the state of the school brooms) a full investigation was formed.

And there was no way Dumbledore, with all his positions and titles, could sweep it under the rug.

He made sure to send a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ (frozen for mundane reading) to his uncle Vernon and aunt Petunia with a note on how the old man had screwed up.

Harry was still trying not to giggle evilly while watching Quidditch. Sure he wasn't a Seeker this time around (he had prevented Neville from flying off by being quick enough to grab his collar) but he still enjoyed Quidditch.

Besides, he had a lot of fun mimicking voices and getting several people into trouble by making everyone think they hated Quidditch.

Saying you hated the ONLY sport in Hogwarts in a school full of fanatical pure bloods was almost a certainty to get you lynched by everyone else. Almost like claiming American football was far superior in a English stadium.

Only the Americans considered their "football" (they called the actual thing soccer for some bizarre reason) superior to the real thing.


	4. Chapter 4

"Let's get started. Does anyone know how the Ministry Auditors found out about the troll?" asked Albus bluntly.

He was not happy about the inquiry. He was even _less_ happy when the goblins took up the charge and began investigating the Hogwarts vaults for any indiscretions.

Thankfully for his sanity, they were _only_ going back ten years, roughly to the fall of Voldemort.

Even the auditors didn't want to deal with the headache of trying to unscramble the war time paperwork.

Albus had to try and unscramble _years_ of backlogged paperwork in a mismanaged filing system. After the fall he hadn't been that concerned about WHERE he filed his papers. He was still finding random papers in the strangest places, like in books he hadn't read for decades.

"We've managed to contain the situation. All owls were diverted and the mail carefully checked. None of the letters contained anything outside of the normal response to a troll breaking in," said Sprout.

Snape _knew_ who was responsible, but he had been promised that the potions department would be left alone for the most part.

As long as they didn't go too deep into his personal stores, he could care less while watching the other teachers squirm during a ministry audit.

"None of the residents in Hogsmeade are aware of more than the general details," said Flitwick.

Hooch looked torn between amused and irritated. Her department in particular was being looked at. It wasn't _her_ fault that the brooms were little more than twigs!

Every year she asked for money to replace the school brooms, and every year the funds were always diverted to the herbology, infirmary and potions departments! Hell, even the damn squib had his requests for new supplies heard before her plea for new brooms!

She had just about given up and was almost ready to resign when this new predicament happened.

She had the easiest schedule on the staff, so she spent most of it learning the dirty secrets of her fellow teachers.

And she had her own suspicions who set the Ministry's pet sharks on Albus' tail. Obviously Snape had displayed the traits of a real Slytherin and made a deal with the brat. Hell, Percy's sudden interest in him practically screamed who had done it.

She'd be damned if she let the headmaster's knut-pinching keep her from having a proper set of brooms next year!

* * *

"I had the most amusing talk with Hooch earlier."

"Let me guess. She wants to help in exchange for a full set of new brooms for next year's class?" said Harry not looking up from his comic book.

Snape had quickly seen where Harry got his current look from. He was absolutely fascinated with this...manga. Specifically one called " _Ouran High School Host Club"_. So much so that he styled himself after one of the characters. A Kyoya Ootori, or the "Shadow King" of this host club.

If Potter didn't try to recreate that club, or at least the members, he'd eat his wand.

"Tell her that in exchange for information we can use to wring more gold out of the goat, I'll see to it that the school gets top-of-the-line brooms."

"How are you going to pay for that?"

"I'll fill out a requisition form from the department. They'll agree to it as long as I file appropriately and take the money out of some department that's about due for a bi-decade assessment."

"Like the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts department?" said Snape dryly.

"Arthur is surprisingly good about filing all the forms before he conducts raids, and contrary to the piss-poor showing of his youngest son, he actually knows how to fill paperwork out properly with legible handwriting. That plus his department is too small to really go after means we mostly do a check up to insure that things are in order once every five years. Bagman's department, on the other hand..." mused Harry, before an evil idea occurred to him.

The irony of forcing the idiot known as Ludo "Can't fill out a proper form when using department funds to gamble out correctly" Bagman into paying for new brooms was too amusing to pass up.

"No evil cackling at the misery of others without a proper audience and back drop," said Snape sternly. The brat might be a time traveler, but clearly he lacked the proper teaching for making people cower before his very presence. Considering his profession, it was a terrible thing.

And no, he hadn't missed the fact Harry had clearly been making his own progress in the way of the SNEER. Draco had tried, but had always failed so miserably that he had given up hope.

"...Want to go give Hufflepuffs nightmares of you with an apprentice?" said Harry hopefully. Who knew the best way to make Snape tolerable was to have a shared hobby of being an asshole to others?

Snape perked up at that idea.

He could always get behind tormenting some Puff's.

"You have a secret hatred of Hufflepuff too?"

"No, but Sprout was a real bitch for a full year and never even considered apologizing because I was dragged into a magically binding tournament where one of hers was originally selected as Hogwarts champion. That and they were far too quick to blame me and never recanted their claims."

Snape nodded. A true Slytherin knew how to hold one _hell_ of a grudge and plan the appropriate response in return. When they hit, they hit hard, fast and left in their wake something worthy of a natural disaster like a tsunami or an exploding volcano.

Had he not been confronted by the boy almost immediately and the truth explained, he might have been horrified at the thought of Potter's spawn being more like himself than James.

Instead he got to enjoy the horror that spread through the staff at the thought of a much more well kept, far less greasy and more vengeful version of Snape.

Harry not only emulated the man...he could also do a passable sneer.

Needless to say McGonagall had nightmares about it.

"You know, I am planning to take Percival with me to Azkaban on a long-overdue census of the prisoners there. Any requests for the mental trauma I should inflict on my dogfather before he finds out I'm a much sneakier prankster than he is?"

"I thought you were going to set Granger on his case?"

"Yes, but then I realized I still have far too much work to do on her sense of right and wrong before she's properly prepared to make the lives of others a living nightmare by using the laws against them. She has _morals_ ," said Harry in disgust.

Snape had his own snort of disgust at the mere thought of such a thing.

A first gen...dammit, now the brat had him calling the muggleborns that if only to avoid the eventual fine for the word "muggle" or "mudblood" and all other ridiculous titles... with morals and an over dependance on authority figures wouldn't last long. Especially in the mire of politics and bureaucracy.

She already wrote far too long essays for simple assignments.

* * *

Harry took one look at Fluffy, before he realized that if he didn't do something, Hagrid might very well be out of a job.

Hagrid was a good man, but he was not meant for doing endless piles of paperwork just to keep his pets.

Which meant he would need help.

"Why are we here again?" asked Percy.

"Well Percival, I am going to be giving you a first hand taste of the amount of paperwork we have to do in our department. Mostly because I have genuine doubts Hagrid would be able to do it in time for the assessment."

Percy nodded, before he had to say something.

"Why do you call me by my full name? Not even my mother does that."

Harry blinked, before he chuckled.

"Remind me to lend you the old stories of King Arthur's knights. There was one chap on the round by the name of Sir Percival. He was said to be one of the most honorable knights, as I recall," said Harry.

Percy perked up at that. He had heard vague stories of why his mother gave him a name like Percival, but nothing concrete.

"Anyway I'll induct you as a junior auditor, at least until the assessment is done. Though for the sake of my cover, you'll be the senior and I'm learning by doing the paperwork for you. No need for Dumbledore to get suspicious of the truth."

"You don't like Dumbledore?" said Percy in shock.

As the son of Dumbledore's more rabid supporters, the idea of not trusting Dumbledore was unthinkable.

"I don't _hate_ him, but I do disapprove of the fact that he has all of the positions he does, yet he rarely fills out all the correct forms. Everyone lets him skirt the bureaucracy of the Ministry because he's _Dumbledore_ , and his filing system is a complete joke. You haven't had headaches like having to sort through his piss poor filing system in order to find the appropriate forms, like allowing a bloody Cerberus in the school with only minimal protections for the students," deadpanned Harry.

He had had to sort out Dumbledore's system _once_. He had sworn never again, and forced the junior agents to do it so they could sort Hogwarts out after the war. Even McGonagall hated his system, which was half-hazard at best and chaotic at worst. She kept finding forms and papers in the oddest places!

Harry might not agree with his now former head of house, but at least she knew how to sort and file correctly in a way that made SOME sense.

As they walked to Hagrid's hut (so that Harry could demonstrate to Percy exactly what an auditor actually does...and the amount of work he'd have to put into it) he was humming the song from _Futurama_ that had become the unofficial anthem of the Auditor department.

It was basically the song Hermes sang while regaining his status as a proper bureaucratic while forcing a female coworker to face the cold hard reality of what happens when paperwork isn't filed correctly.

It was either that or the Imperial March from _Star Wars_ , and the _Futurama_ song was far more catchy. Besides, if he started humming that it would inevitably turn into the theme for _Doctor Who_ , and that would lead to whistling.

Harry sucked at whistling. But it was one of his most amusing ways of getting pure blood princes and princesses to lose their cool and do the stupid thing...like attack him in the middle of an assessment, thus opening them up to the Revenue board and a full investigation.

Oh how the Death Eaters had howled when they learned of the discreet fine and the fact that the Auditors and their affiliates could open an investigation that would hurt more than any visit to Azkaban if they so much as thought the idiots had the Dark Mark.

"So why did you become an auditor, Harry?" asked Percy.

"To hear the agony and despair of my victims up close and personal. To watch them tremble before the power I hold and writhe in horror..."

Percy was giving him odd looks.

"I'm the department's most enthusiastic field agent. I get to have all the fun of seeing their horror up close whenever I deliver the news that they're being audited and that we'll be inspecting their books down to the last insignificant knut. Death Eaters really hate us, but even Voldemort was never a match for our power. Aurors can police all they want... we're better trained and have better funding. All hail the Bureaucracy!" said Harry with a fanatical gleam.

Percy felt a shiver go down his spine. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"On an unrelated note, your father is one of the few department heads who always makes sure to have all the forms filled out and filed properly before going on anything that would require a budget...like a Ministry raid. He usually has everything in order when we do an assessment every five years," said Harry.

"Really?"

"He might make a tolerable member of the Revenue department. I'm afraid he's a bit much for my department, even if he does treat the first gens better than most."

Percy's opinion of his father went up several notches. He had always looked down on his father because of his insistent fascination with muggles and the fact he refused to get a better paying job.

Ron hated having hand-me-downs, but he was only peripherally aware of how their parents scrimped and saved to get them the required books. Percy had to make do with Charlie's copies of the basic set books.

Most of the time they rarely changed. It was only electives and Defense that changed every year.

"You know if you apply for an internship, the cost of your schools supplies will be covered for each year required until graduation as long as your grades are maintained at an O average and you do work for the department during the summer."

"Really?" said Percy, perking up.

"Having a senior member vouch for you makes the paperwork easier, though you'll be delegated as a gopher for the one who did the vouching. You earn a little money at the end of summer, your family is spared the cost of another child's school supplies, and you get experience at real Ministry work. And there's the major bonus if they agree to take you on after graduation."

"What's that?"

"You skip the usual period of being considered a rookie Auditor and go straight to being a low-ranked one with a proper desk and a decent paycheck. You'll still be a rookie, but at least you'll be able to get some real work, and not act as a gopher anymore. And the department has one thing that none of the others can boast. We have real equality among the first gen, half blood and pure blood lines and no death eater has every successfully infiltrated our department."

"You're kidding!"

Harry's smile reminded Percy strongly of a goblin.

"The last idiot who tried found himself at the wrong end of Voodletort's wand because the Audit and law departments worked together and created an entirely new fine and form just for them. Under war time rules, anyone bearing the mark or brand of a _current_ or active dark lord is fined two thousand galleons and it goes straight into the department's Christmas fund. It also opens a special investigation that no amount of bribes or threats can stop...in fact it only makes things worse because we force them to go back further. Because we are dealing with people stupid enough to cause trouble and make it harder for us to file, we go as far back as the first 'true' pure blood ancestor."

His grin widened evilly.

"Of course if they really vex us, we'll involve the goblins who will launch their _own_ investigation and they get rather vicious as they'll reclaim any goblin-made artifacts and fine the idiots responsible for any dark or illegal artifacts...after they alert the Aurors and Unspeakables respectively and levy even MORE fines and charges against them."

"That's... I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed."

"Imagine the Malfoy family going through that, and having to prove their lineage all the way back to when they were in France," said Harry helpfully.

"I take it back. That's positively genius," said Percy firmly.

"Now, are we going to help Hagrid weather this particular storm or not?"

"After you, Mr. Potter," said Percy smiling.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hagrid, I'm going to say this as a friend. It's a damn good thing that you're so bloody likeable, because I thought only Dumbledore had a filing system this bad."

Hagrid had a strange look on his face, as if he was trying to figure out if Harry was insulting Dumbledore or not.

"Percival, you're good at charms. Which combination would you recommend so we can set him up with a proper filing system? Because if I know them, they're going to demand a proper census of the forest down to the last acromantula. The centaurs regulate themselves, so that's a small mercy."

"Er, 'Arry? What are you talking about?" asked Hagrid.

"The Auditing Department is making a full census of Hogwarts after the troll attack to determine whether or not they're maintaining a proper budget. It hasn't happened since Dippet's time, as I recall, but it's long overdue. I have it on good authority that Hooch is hoping to get new brooms out of the mess. And odds are they'll question you on your duties as groundskeeper. That means you'll have to go into the forest and take count of things like the unicorns, the thestrals and other magical creatures to determine if Hogwarts is adequately maintaining a proper sanctuary for rare creatures."

Seeing Hagrid didn't get it, Harry tried a different tack.

"If you prove you're competent enough with maintaining the local stock of magical creatures native to the forest, I could help you file a form to get a small dragon for the Care of Magical Creatures class. You know, as practical experience for dragon handlers. Officially it would be Hogwarts property, but as the groundskeeper you'd be the one taking care of it."

Hagrid brightened at the idea, and Percy could see why Harry was a Slytherin.

"Don't worry Hagrid, we'd be happy to help you file the paperwork so you can get a dragon to play with legally."

Percy had a sudden wicked thought. Everyone in Gryffindor knew the twins had gone into the forest more than once. Wouldn't it be just desserts if they ran into a dragon _Percy_ had helped Hagrid acquire?

They'd think twice about pranking him, that was for sure.

"Twins?" asked Harry cryptically. The last time he saw that look in Percy's eyes, it had been because he was about to prank the twins back.

"Just imagining their expressions when they run into a dragon that I helped acquire in the forest," said Percy.

Harry snorted.

"And that, Percival, is why you'll make an excellent addition to the department. We like forward thinkers who use the system against the free radicals like your brothers. I like the twins, and I think they might have a bright future if they can put their pranking ability into something that they can sell, but even I know they could use a good knock off their high horse every once in a while."

God knows the Marauders could have used that sort of push from someone they thought was above such things.

"And I know the perfect Professor who can give us permission to be out in the forest to help Hagrid! I mean if you can't trust him to keep a pair of rule abiding students safe in there outside a full moon, who can you trust?" said Harry. Hagrid beamed at him, pleased as punch with the open praise.

Percy just looked relieved that Harry had no intention of going in during the three days of the full moon.

* * *

"Explain to me in detail why I should write a note allowing you and a Weasley into the forest."

"We're helping Hagrid perform a proper census. I provide the forms and the experience, Hagrid provides the security, and Percy does most of the writing. Imagine Dumbledore's face learning his groundskeeper managed to get a dragon legally for the COMC class as a project for those seeking the Dragon keeper position?"

"Dumbledore might lynch you if he finds out you're behind the audit."

"Ah, but I know his mentality. He hears the words agony, despair and victims and automatically thinks I'm a Dark Lord in training. Or worse, Voodletort himself. He'd never believe I was something even a dark lord avoids if possible... a bureaucrat who's got the balls to deliver audit papers in person to hear their victims shriek in horror."

Snape took one look at his expression and shivered in horror. Thank Merlin he had the brains to make a deal first, rather than end up a target. Then his mind caught up with what Potter had said and he snorted.

The sad thing was that even with the listening charms, Albus STILL hadn't caught on to who called the long-overdue audit of the school's finances. Considering how much gold the Ministry paid the school (either in alumni donations or parents paying for their children to attend) it left him _wide_ open to such a thing.

It didn't help that one of his positions left him directly open to a personal visit as a high-ranking Ministry official.

Merlin help you if they did a Ministry wide audit. As one of the main votes in trials he would he scrutinized even harder and his filing system would make his life a living hell.

As it was, Snape was one of the lucky few who had little to fear from the school's audit. As a potion master he was a meticulous note taker and he had an excellent filing system. He even had a notation for when his ingredients were stolen from his personal stores and the most likely house they came from. It didn't happen often, and Merlin help any idiot he caught after the fact especially if they didn't have a suitably rare and difficult potion to cover their ass for it...but it did happen.

After the last time the twins tried it and were damn near gelded for the attempt, Snape took the prudent approach.

He handed them the name of his supplier and a list of his rates with the dire threat of a fate worse than any punishment they could imagine if he caught them again.

He hadn't had an incident since.

And, with the forewarning of the audit (which meant his potions stores could be seriously hit if Albus had his way) Harry had been...kind...enough to help him file the forms early, bluntly stating what would be required to maintain the school's potion stores as well as provide for his usual classes. Personal stores were paid for mostly by him, unless he could trick Albus into reimbursing him for it.

"So who are you helping after Hagrid?"

"Filch. The man either needs to retire or get an assistant. It can't be healthy for a squib to be up all hours at night at his age and still be active in the day. Besides, if I can get Mrs. Norris labeled as a proper familiar by Ministry standards then he can get a replacement on Dumbledore's gold if anything happens to her...like old age."

"Hah! That skin flint would rather eat nails!" laughed Snape.

"Now imagine him having to pay for all new books in Muggle studies or actually having to PAY for a proper teacher since Binns no longer qualifies as he is legally deceased!" said Harry with glee.

Their evil cackling sent shivers down the spines of the weaker students.

Harry was considered an honorary goblin this time around, mostly because he was just as vicious in acquiring gold as they were, and unlike the goblins he wasn't hindered by his species when it came time to pay the piper.

"By the gods, be sure you get some good pictures of his face when he realizes he'll have to actually PAY for things the school needs!"

"Oh it gets better. The last audit was during Dippit's time and Dumbledore cut back a lot of classes claiming they weren't in the budget. Classes like Occulmency training and alchemy. Imagine students with more options and being forced to do MORE homework, thus keeping them out of your hair!"

Snape looked gleeful at the very idea.

"I do believe it's time for the Headmaster to learn the dangers of annoying the Shadow King of Slytherin."

"A-hem," said Snape, holding out a hand.

"Oh, right. Here's the next five for you to read. Never pegged you for a fellow fan."

"It has actual plot and has zero references to magic. And I've had to supplement my own reserve with books 'confiscated from Ravenclaws' that I eventually return to Flitwick."

"Hmm. If you can narrow down a genre you like, I can see about getting you a full set for Christmas or something. Or I can get something from the muggle bookstores. Hogwarts _is_ lacking in anything to read that isn't homework or study related," agreed Harry, pushing up his glasses.

Harry modeled his "Auditor" persona after Kyoya from the _Ouran High School Host Club_ series, right down to the glasses and clipboard. He couldn't manage the hair style just yet, but his attitude and personal power in Slytherin was close enough.

Harry was currently the "shadow king" of Slytherin house. Draco could live with being "prince" but it was pretty damn clear Harry held the reigns of power and was only allowing the braggart to act as the spokesperson purely to keep the limelight off him.

Most of the older snakes had recognized the ploy for what it was and showed the proper respect. The fact Malfoy acted more like a bloody Gryffindor than a Slytherin with all his boasting and whining didn't help matters.

Besides, Snape _liked_ Potter, despite the fact everyone and their brother knew how James Potter tormented him.

Though very few were brave enough to comment on the fact that Potter's hair now sported a nice dark green sheen to it in direct lighting. It was a subtle way of supporting his Slytherin house without being blunt about it.

* * *

"What is this nonsense about?" said Filch suspiciously.

"Dumbledore is reaping the...benefits...of having an undercover Ministry member in his school. Now, odds are that while you're files are expertly put together, especially with miscreants like the Weasley twins, you wouldn't know what forms to fill in order to get proper replacements for your equipment like brooms and mops. And let's face it, Dumbledore isn't likely to pay for them or a replacement for Mrs. Norris should time take it's toll on her."

Filch looked at him strangely.

"What's in it for you?"

"I get the fun of watching Dumbledore being forced to open up his pouch in order to pay for replacing your supplies and giving you better equipment. If we do this right, you can get an assistant and force them to deal with the day hours or the night hours, whichever is your preference. So long as the files are properly filled out and correctly placed, I could care less. I'm basically making the headmaster's day harder than it needs to be and forcing him to deal with even more hassle from the Ministry Auditors."

Filch considered that. Then considered the idea of an assistant forced to deal with the brats during the day so he could properly sleep.

Besides, from the sounds of it he had just found the one who set the Auditors on the old goat in the first place.

Dumbledore was in the mood to bring out the old punishments when he finally found the one responsible...though to be honest the idea of making him pay for mundane cleaning equipment and a replacement for his beloved cat should her body gave out appealed to him more.

Besides, he had demanded an assistant to deal with the brats for years, and like Hooch he had been ignored.

Payback was a bitch.

"So which forms do I need to file and sign?" said Filch eagerly. He could grow to like the evil expression on Potter's face.

* * *

"I feel like a firstie trying to sneak out of the dorms at curfew," muttered Percy.

"Again Percival, Auditors are better trained and more vicious than any auror or dark wizard. They _wish_ they had out training," said Harry.

He had thought himself adequate to be a paper pusher, like everyone thought his department as.

He was so wrong. His respect for the Auditing department only shot up seeing them in action, and he dove into training.

It was why he knew he could take on the dark lord and win with a much better success rate this time around.

Love, as if.

"Yes, but unlike a rule breaking first year we have permission, signed and sealed by Snape himself to assist Hagrid in taking a census of the creatures that thrive in night time conditions. Think of this as a trial run for the hazing you'll endure as a rookie," said Harry cheerfully.

"'Ere now, what's this?"

"Unicorn blood. It would seem Dumbledore is in for even MORE trouble with the department than he expected. Unicorns are a protected species by the Ministry."

The trio searched for hours, and while they did find the dead unicorn they didn't find the culprit. Harry was most displeased at that.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry was discreetly taking multiple pictures on his magically protected cell phone. It might not have cell service, but it had a damn good camera and that's all he really needed.

Dumbledore's constipated look had been dialed up to a hundred. He had been forced to drop all his little machinations just to hunt down errant paperwork...because the summoning charm, as Harry knew full well from training, did _not_ summon lost forms or papers unless you had a very strong visual of what you wanted.

Considering the haphazard way Dumbledore "filed" his paperwork, there was no way in hell he'd be able to summon any of it.

He leaned back in satisfaction, secure in the knowledge Snape was also recording this for his pensieve memories to enjoy later.

Dumbledore was a politician. That meant he focused more on the _people_ around him and how to get them to 'agree' with what he wanted done.

Harry was a bureaucrat. He focused on the minutia of what most considered boring, which kept the system running. He was the natural enemy of the politician, because he kept idiots like Fudge in check by forcing them to fill out hours and hours of paperwork purely designed to steal their free time.

The reason wizards and mundanes alike feared audits was because it forced them to go back and _look_ for said paperwork to put under review, and then made them fill out even more of it. And that was BEFORE the auditors got into the money.

Seeing his colleagues there, helping Dumbledore go through the work on the teacher's table put a smile on Harry's face. Some of them even discreetly waved at him, causing the Slytherins to shudder at the reminder of what he was.

Percy was on cloud nine, earning brownie points by acting as a gopher for the older auditors with permission from Snape.

McGonagall was too busy working alongside Dumbledore, as they weren't going after him as the Supreme Mugwump or as "Albus Dumbledore". No, they were auditing the _Headmaster_ of Hogwarts to insure that the funds were being doled out appropriately.

Dumbledore was already in trouble for cutting back on the teachers, and not allocating funds for assistants to make the remaining teacher's jobs easier. And this was before Hooch brought up her complaint about being denied year after year to replace the broomsticks, which were barely more than kindle at this point.

Snape and Filch had made a point to show off their completed and properly filled paperwork almost immediately, and Hagrid did the same when Harry reminded him.

With the help of the centaurs and the mermaids, they were able to complete a proper census of both the forest (as much as could be made within the first five miles of the forest...the rest was agreed to be centaur territory unless Snape was leading an expedition to gather ingredients a few more miles in) and the lake.

It was only because Hagrid had a properly filled form for "Fluffy" that they said nothing of removing him.

Dumbledore was in for a rough time once they found out about the rest of it.

Harry left the Great Hall cheerfully whistling. Percy was gaining much needed experience of true bureaucracy at work, not the joke they made of it at the Ministry, and the teachers were too busy to care about a firstie wandering into the third floor corridor to snag the stone.

By morning, an owl was sent with an innocuous package that if opened would look as if someone were sending a box of fine chocolate from Hogsmeade...but if opened by the Flamels would reveal chocolate...and their missing stone.

* * *

It was Christmas, and Harry was busy, busy, busy.

Because Percy was registered as his junior (the official department term was "gopher-boy") he had to walk him through the fun times of filling out paperwork.

In this case he was preparing for their trip to Azkaban.

Percy was still having trouble with his patronus. Fortunately Harry had the rare skill of being able to cast two of them.

It was the main reason he had gotten hooked on _Pirates of the Caribbean_ , because his second patronus was that monkey. It was currently curled around his neck, silently screeching encouragement to Percy.

"I don't understand, why are we going to Azkaban? Even the Minister doesn't do more than a fast walk through," said Percy.

"Because I have it on good authority that there has been an error in justice, and the easiest way to bring it to light is to do a proper census. Besides, it's been put off for years and it'll give us an opening to deal with the _minister_ and the Supreme Mugwump later."

"What sort of error?"

"One of the prisoners thrown in there was never given a proper trial, or even the joke of one. More than that, the paperwork to throw someone into the prison illegally was never filed. At all."

Percy blinked.

"There's forms to illegally throw someone into Azkaban?"

"Percival, there's forms for _everything_. Hell, it's the reason why I was originally hired in the first place. I'm the 'Department Prankster'," said Harry amused.

"Department...prankster?" said Percy twitching.

"You know how people believe that bureaucrats love to file boring forms so seriously that there's even a form for inter-department dating?"

Percy nodded.

"Well the 'Department Prankster' was created to insure that the auditing department never falls into that trap. We keep things lighthearted and the others in a more relaxed state. As long as we fill out the expense forms and it's not something destructive like a paint bomb in the room where we keep the paperwork, we're pretty much given free reign to prank everyone in the Three departments. Though we're given bonuses if we hit other departments in the process, especially the DMLE."

"So your job is to insure that the Auditors never become so boring that they fill out forms for everyday things like dating and drinking coffee?"

"Exactly. While you do have to fill out forms if you use the department's pool for dating or courtship, it's mostly on a case by case basis."

"Case by case?"

"Let's say you were dating Ms. Clearwater and used department funds to pay for it. Aside from keeping track of how much you spent and where, you would be given a budget of a thousand galleons, to be repaid by auditing another family later. However if you were to start dating another girl, you'd have to fill out forms explaining the reason why you dumped the first, when you started dating the second and then fill out new ones for that expense. Make sense?"

Percy nodded slowly.

"You don't get it."

"No, I get the part about paying back the money from the department funds for dating, and keeping excellent track of it. But why the forms?"

"It's to keep track of your dating patterns. If you were to date someone and then marry, then it makes it easier to keep track of bloodlines," said Harry offhand.

"Oh. That makes more sense."

Having a record of the girls dated would make it easier to verify if the girl or her family were telling the truth if she was pregnant by a certain wizard.

"On an unrelated note, how would you like to be partner to what is likely going to be the most effective way of waking the Longbottoms up?"

Percy blinked.

"What."

"Come with me and I'll explain on the way. You can think of this as a break, since the Headmaster and the others will be too busy, and Snape doesn't really care anyway."

"It's still weird to have Snape being _nice_ ," said Percy.

"Don't I know it. But on the plus side he's easier to deal with now."

"So how are you going to wake the Longbottoms up?"

Harry's grin did nothing for Percy's peace of mind.

* * *

Neville was with his grandmother when he saw two faces he never expected in the long-term care ward.

"Is that...Harry Potter and Percy Weasley?" said Neville to himself, blinking repeatedly.

Augusta turned and blinked. She recognized Percy, but not the other boy. Though now that she was looking for it, she saw the tell tale lightning scar.

"What are you doing here?"

"Shock therapy," said Harry simply.

"Shock..." started Augusta.

"Therapy?"

"I know that they were put in this state from the shock their minds received courtesy of the Lestrange trio and Crouch Junior. However if shock made them like this, then perhaps a greater, more instinctive one will snap them out of it."

"What sort of shock? I'll warn you now, I will not have them harmed," said Augusta.

"Not that sort of shock," said Harry quickly. Though his smile didn't do much for their peace of mind at all. It was more than a little disconcerting.

Harry pinned something on his robes, and Percy quickly did the same. Next he pulled out some official documents, complete with a genuine Ministry seal.

It took Augusta a few moments to recognize them, because she paled. She had thought Neville was overexaggerating.

"You're going to _audit_ them?!"

"The Healers said it was safe. Besides, these aren't for Frank and Alice specifically, though I _will_ be going after someone in the House of Longbottom."

Harry did not like child abusers, and he liked the fact that Neville never once spoke of his grandmother putting a stop to the little 'tests' even less.

"Time to begin. Percy, make sure to stand behind the glass just in case."

"Glass?"

Harry conjured a sort of glass box around the Longbottoms. It covered three sides, but left the top open.

"Ah."

With an official tone that he used on people who tried to renege on their debts, especially after he kicked their ass at poker, Harry unfurled the scroll but kept the name of his next victim covered. However the name "Longbottom" and their house seal was very visible.

Neville and his grandmother watched as Harry told Frank and Alice exactly what was coming.

At first nothing seemed to be happening, but then they started showing signs of being aware.

It took a few minutes, but Frank and Alice were both cringing and blinking as if coming out of a long sleep.

"You can't do this! We're aurors on medical leave!" said Frank at last.

"Haven't we suffered enough?" said Alice.

Harry smirked.

"Shock therapy. I had a feeling the ingrained horror of auditors would work," said Harry smugly. Seeing their surprise at Augusta and Neville close by, Harry uncovered the name of the Longbottom member he would be going after. "By the way, Lord and Lady Longbottom, I was never going to go after you. Regulations prohibit us from auditing those on long term medical leave. However Algie is going to be in for a nasty New Years."

"Great Uncle Algie?" said Neville in disbelief. "Why him?"

"Neville, he held you out of a window and had the bad judgment of letting go because someone offered him dessert. And the fact you never said anything about your grandmother (he nodded to Augusta) putting a stop to it does not speak of a happy home life. I dislike child abusers, and a toad does not make up for the level of mental trauma a near death experience like that can cause. It's not your fault that no one recognized the fact you're a green wizard," said Harry.

Augusta frowned, but didn't deny the accusation.

"What's a green wizard?" asked Neville.

"Someone who's more in tune with the natural energies of the earth and plants than traditional magic. The fact you've been using your father's wand didn't help matters either."

The healers bustled in and started checking on the Longbottoms. The shock of being "audited" had snapped them out of the comatose state they had been in.

"Happy Christmas Neville," said Harry, clapping him on the shoulder.

"Thanks Harry, Percy," said Neville. This was the best Christmas gift anyone could have given him.

"I can't believe that worked," said Percy as they were leaving.

"Mundanes have some useful techniques," said Harry in passing.

* * *

Harry hummed to himself when he saw his father's cloak. Even being audited, Dumbledore had remembered to return that much at least. Wasn't going to help him in the least.

He had a strange smirk on his face when Percy helped him corner the twins after the Christmas feast.

"Well gents, I've heard a reliable rumor that you two want to start up a joke shop to put Zonko's to shame after graduating," said Harry once they tried to escape.

They turned to look at him.

"How did you hear that?"

"Percival."

"What's it to you?" asked Fred.

"Simple. Do you two know what a small business loan is?"

Fred and George blinked.

"A what?"

"A small business loan. An agreement between the bank and a party that wishes to create a start up business. The bank loans the money with interest, and once the small business is created they pay the bank back. You didn't really think it would be easy to create a joke shop with only small savings did you?"

"What's in it for you?" asked George, cottoning on first.

"First off, I want the map my father, godfather and uncle made when they were still students. I know you took it from Filch's office. Second, it'll make my official job at the Ministry easier, having access to fresh prank supplies."

"Wait, what?" they said in chorus.

Harry sighed.

"My dad was Prongs, my godfather is Padfoot and my uncle is Moony. We don't speak of Wormtail anymore. And my official title in the Auditor's department is the 'Department Prankster', meaning I keep them from ever using the forms for things such as inter-department dating among other things. I get paid for pranking my coworkers, in between making the lives of families like the Malfoys and the Parkinsons hell."

"Wait, they pay you to prank them?" said Fred.

"I'm a bureaucrat. We need someone to keep us from becoming _too_ boring, so the department prankster was created. In the event they lose their prankster's edge, a new one is hired. Besides, I find watching the look on the faces of the Death Eaters who escaped justice when I visit their manors with papers saying they're being audited hilarious."

"Let's talk shop," said Fred.

"Oh and boys? Go easy on Percival. I'm going to try and corrupt him to the way of the prankster slowly enough that he doesn't realize what I'm doing until it's too late."


	7. Chapter 7

It was hard _not_ to feel a sense of profound satisfaction making Dumbledore subtly pay for the crap he put him through the first time around.

He still couldn't figure out if the man was an asshole with a god complex, an overly complicated chessmaster, or just an idiot.

Either way, Dumbledore had to feel some of the pain he put him through with those stupid tests.

At least this time around he had more of the teachers on his side.

Snape tolerated him, Hooch and Filch loved him, Hagrid was singing his praises because this time he got to keep Norbert, and Pince subtly directed him to some of the more interesting books for upgrading her collection and giving her a bigger budget to repair the books they already had by professionals.

Pomphrey was one of many teachers over the moon with the extra help. She never had to deal with the awkward discussions with young wizards discovering their hormones. The new medi-wizard on staff dealt with it.

And only magic knew what sort of changes would be made when he returned next year. Thanks to the audit, Quirrel had been busted early and the Unspeakables discreetly dragged him off pretending to be aurors.

So he got to enjoy his 'first' year in peace, with an altered group around him.

Percy (in place of Ron), Hermione, Neville, Blaise and the twins.

Harry nodded to himself in satisfaction.

With Percy's presence, Ron had no desire to try and "buddy up" to him. Fred and George had made a reluctant sort of truce with their stuck up brother, with the agreement that he help them recreate the map.

Though they had to admit, it was hilarious to see McGonagall twitch as if waiting for the other shoe to drop, because they hadn't done anything outside small scale pranks since Harry had his talk with them.

Dumbledore was slightly distracted, but was still able to give the last announcements.

Gryffindor was able to win, but only by the skin of it's teeth. Five measly points was all that kept Slytherin from keeping the house cup.

Snape might have cared, but he was enjoying McGonagall's twitching far too much to give more than a snide comment.

Harry had told him to have fun tweaking McGonagall's tail.

* * *

 _Two weeks later..._

Percy shivered. Dementors were horrible creatures, but they were thankfully contained to a point. He made a point to stick very close to "Prongs" that Harry had so helpfully casted. "Jack" was currently perched on Harry's shoulder.

"Prisoner number 107. Case number?" asked Harry.

Percy looked at his now ever-present clipboard. It was a trial one given to all junior auditors or rookies. You had to work up to the metal ones with the customizable backing.

Harry had a rather shiny metal clipboard with a changing backing. On the clip itself was the Potter and Black family crests.

Once he rattled off the case number, Harry hummed in his throat before confirming the conviction. He stamped the box next to the listing before moving on.

"Next the high security wing."

Percy shivered.

He was practically hugging Prongs.

They waited a few minutes for the stag to chase off the Dementors so they could get to work.

"We just need to finish this before we confirm that all the graves from the past twenty years are who they say they are."

"Why do we need to do that?"

"Because as long as there's someone in the cell, the dementors don't care. And polyjuice would keep anyone from realizing if someone was switched out. So we use the charm to confirm if the magical signature matches the one registered with the apparition license. Be glad we didn't have to hunt _those_ down."

"And if the signature doesn't match?"

"Then we mark down whose grave it was and look at the visitor's log to see who visited the prisoner. After that it's the problem of the DMLE. It shouldn't take more than twenty minutes and then we're done."

Percy shivered, but was thrilled that it was almost over.

On the plus side, he would only receive minimal hazing for the rest of the summer. And he got to cast magic outside school, because he was interning.

His dad had been thrilled...right up until he found out which department it was for.

At least he didn't have to worry about paying for his school supplies, which meant they could get Ron and Ginny new wands.

"Bellatrix Lestrange. Death Eater and the one who sent the Longbottoms to the long term care ward. A pathetic example of a Black if there ever was one," said Harry in disgust.

"Go to hell, you filthy half-breed!" she shrieked.

Harry did something that really surprised Percy. He reached into the cell and bitch-slapped her. It certainly shut her up. Her look of surprise was rather amusing...had they been anywhere else.

"Look at you. A mad bitch who didn't have the decency to hide the weakness in the bloodline. A Black bows to no one, and yet you whored yourself out to a half blood who didn't even have the decency to come from two magical parents. And lets not forget the fact his mother was little more than a squib and his father a mere _muggle_ ," said Harry in disgust.

"LIES!"

Harry's smirk made her shiver in fear.

"An Auditor who does not do his homework before targeting a family is not a very good one at all. You chose the wrong side...cousin," said Harry.

Harry stamped her off and moved on.

"Sirius Black. You're in a sorry state," said Harry. Percy kept silent.

"Harry? What are you doing here?"

"That's Ministry Auditor Harry to you, Black," said Harry coolly. "Percival, the case number."

Percy blinked, before pulling out his clipboard. It took him a few moments before he said flustered "I don't have it."

"What?"

"There's no case number. And I can't seem to find a trial number either."

Harry made a show of looking at his own clipboard, as if searching for the appropriate forms. Seeing that there was no accompanying case or trial number, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

He took out his wand and tapped four times. Several new forms appeared once he removed his wand. He took out a ball point pen.

"What are you doing?" asked Percy.

"Filing a form to send the Revenue people in to find out if anyone filed the appropriate forms for a misuse of power to keep a man in Azkaban illegally for an undisclosed amount of time. They need the work."

With three taps of his wand, the forms were sent off to the appropriate department.

Sirius looked as confused as Percy.

Fifteen minutes later (Harry and Percy had finished their rounds in the high security cells) and Harry's clipboard glowed.

"Well Black, it seems you're in for a bit of luck. Whoever threw you in here didn't throw any of the forms to keep a prisoner in Azkaban without a trial in front the Wizangamot indefinitely. Which means that those lazy Aurors will have to get off their arses and bring you before the tribunal. You'll get your day in court. If you're lucky, you might get out of here permanently."

Hope sparked in his godfather's eyes. He was quick to hide the note Harry had slipped into his hand, unseen by Percy.

"Alright Percy, we're done inside the prison. We just have to deal with the outside and we can leave."

"Thank Merlin," said Percy in relief.

* * *

 _Outside Azkaban..._

"Barty Crouch Jr., Death Eater and party to what happened to the Longbottoms. Care to try your luck again Percival?"

Percy used the now well practiced charm. It was rather easy to cast, and so far they confirmed the results three times as was procedure.

However this time, the charm came up negative. He frowned.

"I think I might have miscast it."

Harry frowned, before casting it himself and tapping the paper.

"No, I think you did it right. Hold on."

Harry took off his badge and pressed it against the grave, before pressing it against the copy of the license that they had on hand. The badge didn't light up.

"It seems we might have a case of mistaken identity. Barty Crouch Junior might not be dead after all."

Harry pulled out his clipboard and pen.

"Huh. Well good news is that whoever did this had the brain to file the forms. Which means it's out of our hands, unless they forgot to file other forms for another crime."

"There's a form to take prisoners out of Azkaban and leave another person here?"

"Percival, there's a form for damn near everything. How else are we supposed to keep the politicians and other morons in line?" said Harry chidingly. Percy ducked his head embarrassed.

"Don't worry Percy. You're still an intern. You'll catch on before you're officially hired," said Harry kindly. "Now let's finish up so we can get off this Magic-forsaken rock."

Percy nodded emphatically.

* * *

Sirius looked at the note, and a cold grin formed on his face.

" _Padfoot, if you're reading this you're no doubt confused beyond belief and wondering what the hell is going on._

 _Well, wonder no more._

 _Thanks to the stupidity of Dumbledore and the fact that the politicians are idiots, I was hired into the Audit department roughly twelve years from now as the Department Prankster. If you aren't aware of what that is, the 'Department Prankster' is a position in which someone with a sense of humor, or someone with a legacy known for being pranksters is hired to keep the department from becoming too boring...and fill out the same paperwork as everyone else._

 _I find the expressions of pure bloods when I show up to deliver the notice they're being investigated funny. Watching them dance to my tune while squirming because they're afraid I'll levy Merlin-knows-what sort of until-now unused taxes up close and personal rather satisfying. Especially the darker families and those that annoy me._

 _So don't worry. You'll be getting your day in court and opening up Crouch to a rather unpleasant visit from the Aurors later. I happen to know one of his darker secrets and I fully intend to make him pay for throwing you in here, since no one filed the paperwork for it._

 _Magic bless the bureaucratic process,_

 _Prongs Jr."_

The cold laughter of Sirius Black could be heard all over the high security wing.

He never thought of using the system itself against those that kept him in this hell! And the idea of getting Crouch back was really making his day.

Marauders never forgot.

* * *

Merlin, she hated bureaucrats. Thanks to a long overdue census of Azkaban, a gross miscarriage of justice had been revealed.

Sirius Black had been locked up without even a mockery of a trial. Not even the paperwork to bypass the trial had been filed (which was the main thing the bureaucrats were up in arms about).

Which meant it was up to _her_ to clean up the mess her predecessors left.

And it was a mess.

Fortunately the Auditor and his intern had confirmed the rest of the prisoners were there for a legitimate reason, leaving Black the only anomaly.

The problem was that everyone thought Black was guilty.

Fortunately the Revenue department was 'nice' enough to put those that might throw up a fuss on their own radar, meaning they would be too busy dealing with them to notice the long-overdue trial.

Personally she hoped Black _was_ guilty, because if he was innocent it meant an entirely new headache to deal with.

At least the worst of the bureaucrats had hired a new 'department prankster', which made dealing with them much easier.

She didn't get why the Auditors had such a strange position, but at least it kept them from pushing forms that seemed ridiculous to the extreme. Like expense forms for toilet paper and soap.

* * *

 _In the depths of the Auditing department..._

"What's the story you gave your relatives?" asked Blake, the head of the Auditing department.

"Officially I'm interning for the summer for one of the Ministries. They know to be vague about which one, just that it involves a lot of numbers."

"Is that why you've been sleeping in the employee rest areas for the past week?"

Harry smirked.

"I've been living out of there because I've been busy catching up on the filing for when the Minister does something to annoy me to the point I declare a Ministry-wide Audit. Besides, as the one in charge of the Crouch file, I'm going to need to get back into the swing of things once the DMLE gets off it's arse and files charged against him for forgetting to file the forms to keep Black in Azkaban indefinitely. Unfortunately for him, I happen to know something he would definitely prefer to keep quiet."

"And the fact our rest areas are comparable to five-star magical hotels..."

"Bonus. No way in hell am I living out of that ratty little bedroom, never mind that I've made my relatives more tolerable with an allowance every month. Besides, this gives me access to the floo network so my intern can get a leg up after graduation."

"The fact you already filed the forms to keep your animagus form and that you can apparate successfully without having to file your magical signature until you're sixteen..."

"Also bonus. Plus I get a front row seat when people find out Black is actually innocent."

"Just remember to get out and about."

"I still have to get my school supplies. Does that count?"

"Not really."

"Guess I could always 'happen' to visit the Lovegoods or something."


	8. Chapter 8

"What's the next item on the agenda?" asked Fudge.

"The next item is the case of Sirius Black. A recent census of the prison revealed that Black was sentenced without a trial. And no paperwork was filed to keep him incarcerated without one," said Bones.

That caused a collective blink.

"There's forms for that?" said one brave wizard.

Bones made a face.

"There's forms for everything. Fortunately they have a new department prankster."

"Department prankster?" repeated Madame Longbottom.

"It's the designated prankster who keeps some of the more ridiculous forms from being used. More to the point, it was one of the Auditing department who found the error in Black's paperwork."

"What are you trying to say, Madam Bones?" asked Dumbledore.

"I'm saying we have to hold a full Wizangamot trial, just to keep the bureaucrats happy. Otherwise they'll never shut up about the fact Black's in there without a trial or the proper forms filled out."

Everyone made a collective grimace at the thought.

"Let's just schedule it for next week and get it over with," said Malfoy.

Sirius took his first breath outside Azkaban. Even the rain smelled sweeter being outside that hell hole. And in a few short hours, he knew he'd be a free man.

Sitting chained in that awful chair, the first thing Sirius did upon being given a chance to speak was...

"I demand Veritaserum!"

There was a ripple of whispers among the Wizangamot, before the Aurors came in with the Ministry approved veritaserum. Three drops and two hours later, and the Wizangamot was in an uproar.

Sirius Black was _innocent_.

Unseen by most, Harry was watching the entire trial with a bowl full of popcorn under his invisibility cloak. He had filed all the proper forms to watch the show, but he didn't want to alert Dumbledore that he wasn't at the Dursleys.

He had spent all of a week before going to 'intern' at the Ministry. As far as he was concerned, the wards were charged enough.

Sirius would be getting a full year of rehabilitation now that magic had proven him to be innocent. All on the Ministry's knut. More than that, they had to pay him for the years he illegally spent in prison.

And of course it opened Barty Crouch up to an investigation from the Ministry barristers.

Andromeda Tonks ne Black was like a dog on a bone, and a discreet rumor had her bringing Aurors to insure that he wasn't harboring a convicted Death Eater in his home.

The house elf was hysterical, but Crouch was busted for harboring his son under the Imperious curse.

He wasn't in trouble for switching his son with his wife (he had filled out the forms for that) but the Imperious was an Unforgiveable and he had been casting it outside war time allowances. And that _was_ a crime, considering he hadn't filled the forms out for that.

Which meant after a quick and shocking trial, father and son were promptly sent _back_ to Azkaban sharing adjoining cells.

Barty Crouch wasn't happy, but then again he could respect that Potter had set his dogs on him using the process that he had lived by. He had been outmaneuvered by a superior paper pusher.

* * *

Harry took one look at Lockhart, before he schooled his face into his usual expression for dealing with idiots who so royally deserved a...personal...visit from his department. A long, intimate one where they pretty much went back all the way to the point when the witch or wizard graduated Hogwarts, and thus opened themselves up for an audit.

No one really heard what Harry said to Lockhart when he attempted to drag him up to get a picture. However Lockhart paled rather impressively before treating Harry like a leper.

Harry's expression seemed to clear a path to the door, where he got to watch Lucius and Arthur fight it out.

Lucius' slight of hand was acceptable, but Harry was better. And he was prepared.

He was going to have sooo much fun tormenting Tom's shade in the diary.

* * *

Luna Lovegood stared at him, before brightening.

"Time traveler?"

"Time traveler. Care to join in on the fun?" asked Harry cheerfully.

"Can you help me get Rita?" asked Luna hopefully.

"I can do one better than simply auditing her. Did you know she's an illegal beetle animagus?"

Luna's eyes gleamed.

"Tell me more."

She hated Rita.

Harry's smile was pure evil.

"I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," he said smiling.

"Does this make me safe from future audits?"

Harry pulled out his clipboard.

With an experienced hand, he filed out several forms before handing over his ball point pen.

"Sign here, here and here. And with that you're safe from our department for as long as our friendship lasts."

Luna beamed at him.

* * *

"Hwah?"

"Harry Potter sir! Tis an honor!"

"Dammit, what time is it?" said Harry blearily. Once he located his glasses, he realized Dobby was in the room with him. And the time. "It's three in the morning. Did you really have to come in _now_?"

"I must warn Harry Potter sir! Great danger at Hogwarts!"

"I already know about the diary. Though just for waking me up I am so going to make Lucius suffer for sending you to bother me!" said Harry annoyed.

He was not a morning person, and being woken up at such a late (or early, depending on how you looked at it) hour made him vengeful and evil.

"Master Harry Potter knows about dark plot?" said Dobby in wonder.

Harry gave him a dark look, before fumbling around and pulling out his badge.

"Dobby, do know what this is?"

Dobby winced.

"Good. Then you know exactly what sort of hell I'll be bringing to your Master. If you're lucky I might be able to win your freedom. But for that to happen you have to do one thing."

"What's that?" asked Dobby.

"Let me get back to sleep. I do _not_ like being woken up early."

Dobby nodded before vanishing with a pop.

"Bloody morning people..." grumbled Harry, before rolling over and going back to sleep.

He hated waking up.

* * *

"Time to wake up, minion!"

"Fuck you!" shouted Harry.

"Now don't be that way. I have a fresh assignment for you!" said Rayne, the cheerful girl from Revenue.

"What time is it, and how painful do you wish your death to be?" said Harry flatly.

"It's September first, and you have roughly three hours to catch the train."

"Right. Go to hell and let me sleep. I can apparate to Hogsmeade if I have to," said Harry, trying to get back to sleep.

"Nope! Boss woman said I have to drag you out of bed so you can catch the train like everyone else."

Harry's reply was inaudible, but it was appropriately foul for how he felt about such chipper morning people.

"I was given authorization to use _that_ on you."

"You wouldn't dare," snarled Harry.

"Try me," she smirked.

"Evil women," said Harry.

Harry had a weakness for manga. And while he had had an extensive collection in his portable dimension, he could be bribed to do damn near anything with a new series he hadn't read before. In this case it was _Fate/Zero_.

"Hurry boya, or I'll burn the book."

"Where did you get that anyway?"

"There's a shop that makes a very good profit in selling books, movies and other paraphernalia from at least two decades ahead of when they actually come out."

Magic bless time travel.

"Where is this shop?"

"Not telling. We need it to bribe you to get up after all."

Harry grumbled under his breath.

He felt mornings were absolutely retched.

Once he had several cups of department coffee and got cleaned up, his annoyance was soothed...for now.

Rayne handed him his manga set. His glares went down to tolerable levels.

"Have fun at school!" she said cheerfully.

"Evil woman," he said without much heat.

* * *

Harry had an expression of annoyance feeling the solid barrier. Fortunately he had ways around that.

He had hoped that Dobby had gotten the message and would leave him alone. Apparently not. Oh well.

He sighed, and briefly considered calling this in.

Then again he could apparate.

Considering it was close to eleven, and there was no way any Auror could arrive in a timely manner, he opted to cheat.

Thankfully he had a way to Hogwarts without breaking any laws.

Besides, he needed to stock up on fiction and books to read.

That and he was in the mood for real food, not just candy from the cart. Honestly, why they never thought of selling lunches on the train as well as the junk food he'd never understand.

Hmm. There was a thought. He'd have to try it out next year. He'd probably make a real mint selling sandwiches and simple soups kept hot.

"Mr. Potter, care to explain why you were found walking through the gates three hours before the train is even remotely near the castle?" asked McGonagall frostily.

"I have a better question. Why did the pillar that leads into the platform suddenly become solid well past eleven? I had to take the floo just to get to school on time, since there's no way I'd use the Knight Bus," said Harry annoyed.

"What."

"The pillar became solid eight minutes and thirty-seven seconds before eleven, and considering the track record for Aurors to show up, I opted to use the floo from the Leaky Cauldron rather than waste time waiting for them to show up too late to be of any actually use."

Thanks to the pocket dimension, he had been able to apparate straight to the Shrieking Shack without being burdened by his trunk.

McGonagall's face was pinched, and it was clear she was still rather cross about being part of the audit on Hogwarts.

"I see one of my snakes has arrived early. What happened?"

"Some idiot thought it would be hilarious to close the platform early. I used the floo at the Leaky Cauldron after eating lunch since I didn't feel like wasting time summoning the Aurors who would be too late of be of any use," Harry summed up for him.

"I'll take it from here," said Snape. McGonagall left with a sour look.

Once she was out of earshot, he asked "Apparition?"

"Straight into the shack. I also brought some new fiction for you to borrow, unless they've finally allowed for a fiction section in the library."

"They haven't. Dumbledore is dragging his heels, but Hooch is discreetly singing your praises for the new brooms...as is Filch."

"You're loving the fact that the audit of the school is ongoing, aren't you?"

"Absolutely. Is Lockhart your next target?" asked Snape, almost hopeful.

"I could be persuaded to target him. By the way, tell Lucius I want a meeting with him."

Easiest way to deal with Dobby would be to make a deal with the blond ponce and subtly warn him that if he annoyed him too much, then the department would be looking into several things he wouldn't want them to find.

Like the hidden area under the drawing room. If Auditors got word about that, Lucius would find himself practically _buried_ in fees and fines. Fines he couldn't afford right now, since there had been a massive shift in who had the money and who didn't. He was still a political powerhouse, but his ability to bribe people had taken a massive hit.

"I'll make an arrangement. Just be discreet."

* * *

"Slytherin!" said the hat, and Luna practically skipped to the table and sat next to him. To be fair, there was a bit of a gap thanks to the fact most of the snakes didn't want to get on his bad side.

"This seat taken?"

"Not at all madam. Might I say, it's nice having a reporter who isn't afraid to speak the truth in Hogwarts. I'm sure the headmaster will be...thrilled...to have someone telling the facts as they actually are and not mincing words like that fool Skeeter."

"Isn't the headmaster still under an audit?" said Pansy.

"McGonagall too," said Harry smirking.

"No wonder she looks like she smelled something foul."

"I have it on good authority they forced him to pay for new brooms and upgrade the library. And that Snape is getting a new assistant to teach the lower years once the audit is over with. Filch too, so he can sleep during the day and catch people at night without being so tired," said Harry.

Several people would be getting assistants, and thanks to the increased scrutiny from the governors, even more options when it came to classes.

Most of them were classes that Dumbledore cut for flimsy reasons, like Occulmency, alchemy, and enchantment.

He was not a happy wizard. And if he wasn't happy, McGonagall was damn near livid because Dumbledore had the _worst_ habit of dumping most of the paperwork on HER while he dealt with the paperwork that came from being the Supreme Mugwump and rarely as the member of the ICW.

Fortunately she had less trouble with the auditors because she had a much more efficient filing system and actually knew where she put things.


	9. Chapter 9

Harry was in a rather good mood. Lockhart had damn near shit himself in class after seeing Harry's smile and the nearby clipboard.

"I am so glad I chose to befriend you rather than try to antagonize you like Malfoy tried," said Blaize honestly. That smile creeped him out.

"Look at the bright side. Your mum accepted my offer to look at the books before she marries the wrong person. And you know that because we're friends she'll be given automatic protection for at least five years."

"To be honest I lost track after the fifth 'natural causes'," admitted Blaize. He didn't even know how much they had in the vaults, just that his mother did it more out of boredom now, rather than because they needed the gold.

"Want to help me scare Lockhart into pissing himself before class is over?"

"Oh hell yes, I hate Lockhart," said Blaize with a vicious grin.

"Have you considered directing your mother in his direction?"

"The leading theory is that he's gay," said Blaize.

"Really now? I can work with that," said Harry with an absolutely evil smile.

"AIIIIIEEEE!"

Hermione gave Blaize and Harry an evil look.

"What did you do?"

"I may or may not have left an illusion on my 'test' for Lockhart to find. I wanted to see if Blaize was correct in saying that the professor bats for the same team."

He was so not telling Hermione he used a copy of the infamous "sunset genjutsu of youth" with naked copies of Fudge and Dumbledore, complete with groping. He had almost used Umbridge, but even wasn't that cruel.

He'd use a straight illusion of her if Lockhart continued to annoy him. Magic knew she kissed the arse of the Minister enough that it would be believable.

"Wait until we get near some Hufflepuffs before you do any evil cackling. I though Snape was training you in the ways of the Sneer?" said Blaize.

"He is, which is why I'm going to also wait for Dumbledore to be present to have the maximum effect, complete with lightning this time."

"Oh. Carry on then. He still hasn't caught on yet?"

"Nope."

"Fun," said Blaize, grinning.

 _Later that night..._

Snape gave Harry a perfect ghostly ten for the expression on Dumbledore's face, as well as the fact that he got no less than eight Hufflepuffs to piss themselves in fear from his mad cackling.

Harry was insufferably smug for the rest of the week.

* * *

"Will you quit tormenting him? He's a great man, he doesn't need you scaring him!" scolded Hermione.

"What was it this time?"

"Naked Umbridge fornicating with the Minister," said Harry without missing a beat.

Blaize paused, then shuddered at the mental image.

"Evil. Pure unadulterated evil. I want a copy of that spell to send to certain people who annoy me."

"Hell, send it to Bagman. He's been whining a bit too loudly because I used the funds the goblins took from him to pay for the office Christmas party."

"Where is the department going this year?"

"Jamaica," said Harry with a laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh there's this song that I introduced them to that's all the rage in the department. Mostly because it suits us perfectly and has a catchy beat. The reason why it's funny is because the man who sang it in the show was Jamaican."

Sirius also had plans to get Harry the monkey he'd been wanting for ages. The Dursleys only tolerated his presence in the house because Harry kept their accounts at a flat one hundred thousand pounds, to be refilled every month until he was no longer a resident in the house.

He had already filed the form required to have a non-standard pet in Hogwarts. And while he had gotten Hedwig again, she staying with Sirius so that he could contact him with any questions or forms that he was now stuck filing to allow Harry to perform a full audit of the Lestrange clan via Bellatrix.

Under any other circumstance, he wouldn't have bothered with doing this much paperwork. However he had come to realize Harry was a prankster...just one that had a habit of making a list of grievances before he went after the one who annoyed him.

Well, that and the one time he complained about how paperwork was boring, he had woken up to a hellish scene of Umbridge, Fudge and Dumbledore going at it...with Umbridge wearing a strap-on for some reason.

His godson was an evil little bastard. Sirius approved...even if he tried and failed to obliviate the memory of that horrifying scene from his brain.

He wouldn't learn until later that Harry had shared the "vision" of Sirius screaming like a little girl who found a spider in her bed with Snape...and then told the man what he did.

They clicked far too well for anyone's sanity.

"Any idea why Dumbledore keeps looking at you like you're the devil?" asked Hermione. Aside from the mad cackling and the increasingly horrifying sneers, Harry could be rather sweet.

Harry rolled his eyes, before pushing up his glasses.

"Dumbledore is under the mistaken belief that the soul fragment lodged in my scar is either possessing me, or influencing me in some way. He has yet to realize that I'm the one who is forcing him to bring back several rather vital classes or paying for new supplies. Apparently he's been skimming quite a bit off the top of the school's available funds every year."

"How much?" asked Blaize, more out of curiosity.

"Well over seven hundred and twenty-five galleons each year. I could understand a little pilfering to pay back some of the funds my father so foolishly loaned him, but what he's been doing is outright theft. By years end he might very well be looking for a new job because when the tenured teachers found out he had been skimming so much and denying them much needed raises, they were about ready to lynch him outright."

Hermione choked.

"You're kidding."

"Sadly no. McGonagall has been the one doing most of the paperwork while Dumbledore has been hunting down the lost ones, and she was the first to notice. Once she noticed the first evidence of theft, the Auditors went over _all_ the books and found even more signs. There's a reason why the Hogwarts charter was partially amended so that the Headmaster can't block a full audit after ten years. And it's been well over fifty since one has been done, so there was no way Dumbledore could do anything about it."

"So what happens now?"

"Either he pays back what he took with interest to be held in escrow for war time funds, because lets face it with all the rampant inbreeding it's going to happen again sooner rather than later... or he's fired and forced to live off his job as the Supreme Mugwump. Though because of the mess he made by not insuring Sirius Black got a proper trial, he's opened himself to yet another audit," said Harry.

"I thought you could only do that to someone once every ten years?"

"Actually Dumbledore is three times vulnerable to visits from the department," said Harry. Seeing their confused looks, his smile became sharp. "The department isn't auditing 'Albus Dumbledore' or the 'Surpreme Mugwump'. They're going after the 'Headmaster of Hogwarts'. It's because he has so many titles that he's three times vulnerable."

"Supreme Mugwump, Headmaster and a member of the ICW," said Hermione.

"Actually the third one is 'head of the house of Dumbledore'. His twin brother declined the post and owns a pub inside Hogsmeade called the Hog's Head. It's a dive bar, but because it's under his name alone it's safe from his brother trying to dip his hand into that particular cookie jar. By not giving Black a trial, he's opened up a way for the department to go after him for potential misconduct and misappropriation of funds. In this case we're basically saying that we think he might have been bribed to send Black to prison illegally, since no forms were ever filed."

"What about the last one?"

"That's only as a last resort measure. A very last resort measure. If I go after him as the head of the house of Dumbledore, it's because he's royally fucked up and I'm there in my official capacity to watch him squirm as everything crumbles around him."

"Language Harry," said Hermione.

"You're not my mother, and the man is an idiot. He likes to pretend he's some grand chess master when in fact he's a pacifist who hates to get his hands dirty because he was disgusted with the cold hard reality of war. Did you know he refused to authorize his own little club to fight force with equal force because he has this bizarre notion that hardened criminals with a propensity for rape, murder and torture can be redeemed while they believe themselves to be winning?" said Harry flatly.

Hermione looked at Blaize. He refused to meet her eyes.

"My own mother has a habit of marrying rich men, then making them die of 'natural causes'. If she were to pretend that she was willing to be 'redeemed', Dumbledore would offer her damn near anything for the so called greater good. It's why the Dark doesn't take him seriously unless he's pissed," said Blaize.

"But... he's Dumbledore!"

"History is written by the victors, and for some bizarre reason those with a higher percentage of magical blood have an annoying habit of canonizing anyone that offs a dark lord to the point where they worship them like an idol. I believe the Catholics have a commandment about that."

"Thou shalt not worship false gods," said Hermione quietly.

"Which is why I love being an auditor. People are at least honest when they display fear around me."

He hated the fake praise and adoration. He found it much more enjoyable seeing the stark look of fear and horror after becoming an auditor. At least they were showing their real selves.

Besides, now he could tell them where to stuff their wands if they tried to hold it against him that he could speak to snakes, or if they tried to call him a liar.

* * *

"So what classes are they forcing him to bring back?" asked Harry, sipping his tea.

"Occulmency training, enchantment, a revised version of Muggle Studies since the ones that graduate won't quit bitching about how outdated the current one is, a revised History of Magic, alchemy for the fifth years, and a mandatory class for the muggleborns so they aren't considered so rude," said Snape.

"And how many classes was Dumbledore stealing from under the guise that they didn't have the budget?"

"Everything save for the hospital wing."

"Oh... Blake is going to be pissed. I know he didn't fill out the forms for that, and the pure bloods are going to be raising hell over it when the truth gets out," said Harry with an evil smile.

"Lovegood?"

"Lovegood."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank Merlin you're an Auditor. I haven't had this much fun since your mother and I were on speaking terms and we were teaching the Marauders a lesson."

"Yes, well I'm perfectly open to traumatizing Black _and_ Lupin, since they'll just come at me with retaliation pranks anyway," said Harry.

Snape's smirk was vicious.

"I also have plans to keep the man from figuring out I'm the reason his life has become worse for the rest of the year," said Harry.

"How?"

"Self audit. I've already filled out the forms so that anything I've been doing is covered. Anything else the goblins and the department will have to sort out."

Auditors could initiate a self audit to insure that things were kosher. Or in Harry's case, to insure that Dumbledore's sticky fingers didn't extend to _his_ vault.

If it did...well, Harry would make the headaches of what was currently happening to him seem like child's play in comparison.

"So how are you enjoying the fact that you don't have to teach the younger years anymore?"

"I am positively giddy with the news I'm free of those Dunderheads."

Harry smirked.

"Well at least this time we have a much more tolerable relationship. Last time you were a total prick worthy of the Marauders themselves, with enough emo-angst to fill the _Twilight_ series."

"What's _Twilight_?"

Harry made a face.

"Do you want to read an angst filled series where the main characters are an emo-girl with bad taste in men who has to choose between a sparkly vegetarian vampire and a crappy werewolf who rarely wears a shirt that any real vampire-enthusiast would consider a travesty of the genre?"

"..."

"Real vampires don't sparkle dammit! I'd rather read _Hellsing_ and laugh along while Alucard kills everyone than be forced to read _Twilight_ again! Hell, the damn wolves suit the legends of the Loup Garou more than they do proper werewolves!"

"That bad?"

"If pure bloods consider werewolves to be an abomination, then _Twilight_ is worse than a tentacle monster in a magical girl academy," deadpanned Harry.

"...I have serious concerns about your reading habits."

"You should see my hentai folder," said Harry with a snort. Then an idea hit him and his face turned positively evil. Snape shuddered...it was far more terrifying than any Voldemort himself had on his face.

"What? Quit smiling like that!"

"I just realized that I have a chance to correct the biggest travesty every committed. I can kill Stephanie Meyer and prevent the evil that is _Twilight_ from ever being born. Never again will I have to hear the words 'Team Edward' and 'Team Jacob'," said Harry shuddering.

On the plus side, any guilt he had over Cedric's death the first time around promptly vanished like dust in the wind after he found out that the teen had a body double...or possibly some muggleborn with polyjuice... that played Edward in the damn movie.

Stephanie Meyer had to die. For the sake of all vampire lovers everywhere.


	10. Chapter 10

"Gentlemen, I have called you here today for a matter of utmost importance. The immediate removal from the plane of the living of a very evil, and twisted muggle woman," said Harry seriously.

"Harry mate, you're scaring me," said Blaize.

"Read," said Harry flatly.

The rest of them read similar books, and in less than an hour, their expressions turned from confused to understanding. This muggle must be destroyed, for the Greater Good.

"I don't see what's so bad about it," said Hermione. Harry twitched.

"Hermione, you've never had to live through the age of hearing teenage girls screaming about 'Team Edward' and 'Team Jacob'. Or see the travesty that is a _Twilight_ fan convention. Real vampires have not, nor ever will sparkle!"

"We're not burning books are we?" she asked suspiciously.

"No, we're preventing one from being written, thus saving generations from a travesty of literature."

"It can't be that bad."

"They built up a massive fight in the last book, then they totally copped out and settled it with an 'oh, she's actually a half-breed not turned like we were told!'. And don't get me started on the fact that the so-called werewolves fit the description of a loup garou more than they do proper werewolves! And the vampires! Vampires do not fucking sparkle! They rip people's throats out and laugh about it!" bitched Harry.

"Here here!" said the other boys.

Hermione thought that over.

"As long as we're not burning books," said Hermione.

* * *

Harry was fully prepared to launch an expedition for a gleeful slaughter of Stephanie Meyer.

Sadly, it was not meant to be.

"What do you mean she's protected?!"

"Is he whining? And how is a cell phone working in Hogwarts?" said Hermione.

"It's a two way mirror. And if he's whining like that, it means Blake is telling him something he doesn't like," said Percy.

"...So I'm not the only one who wanted to prevent a travesty of literature from being written? What the hell do you mean the werewolves in the States have a deal to ruin the reputation of vampires? I don't care if they were pissed about Dracula, there's no excuse for that crappy series! VAMPIRES DO NOT BLOODY SPARKLE DAMMIT!"

Harry was twitching.

He closed the mirror phone with unnecessary annoyance.

"I hate fan girls," he said viciously.

The time traveling fan girl guild had apparently taken it upon themselves to protect one of their favorite franchises.

Harry shuddered at the very thought of his fan girls. He hated them with a passion, for various reasons.

"So Blake vetoed the trip to America."

"Any reason why?" asked Blaize.

His expression turned into the most human they'd ever seen of him.

"The fan girl horde has conspired with the time traveling mishaps to protect Stephanie Meyer until the books are written. By then it'll be too late."

"So there's nothing you can do?"

"Blake happens to be a fan. Fortunately, there are other ways of dealing with that woman," said Harry. He had hoped he wouldn't have to resort to this, but clearly desperate times called for desperate measures.

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm sending the extra copies to a real fucking vampire. Namely the Crimson Fucker himself. And if he can deal with the woman, I'll gladly pay him whatever he wants."

Harry made a 'care package' and sent it off with a note.

"What did you send?" asked Blaize.

"Told him I'd give him 'diplomatic immunity' to do whatever the hell he wants in the magical communities if he got rid of her or made her terrified of vampires enough that she at least changed the Cullens to something different."

* * *

 _In the Hellsing Mansion..._

An owl arrived with a box for Alucard. It wasn't scanned for bombs or anything, because it was highly doubtful anyone would really think such a cheap trick would kill him.

Alucard opened it, and within a few hours his mad cackling was heard throughout the house.

"I'm going to go out for a walk," said Alucard, once his cackling turned into evil chuckling.

"No you're bloody well not," said Integra.

"Yeah, see I got a request from a fan that I take care of a problem in America."

"ALUCARD! GET BACK HERE! Walter stop him!"

Walter was suspiciously absent, as Alucard happened to share the books with him...along with the note.

Unfortunately for Integra, he happened to agree with the young lad who sent it. This _Twilight_ was a travesty to good literature everywhere and would make their job infinitely harder.

* * *

 _Two weeks later..._

"What. Did. You. Do."

Harry had a saccharine smile on his face when Blake practically stormed up to him at the Slytherin table. In her clenched hand was a copy of the American's version of the _Daily Prophet_.

"I outplayed you. Vampires do not, nor have they ever sparkled."

"You traumatized a muggle to the point she's jumping at her own shadow!"

"No, I sent a real fucking vampire to scare her into reconsidering what species Edward and his clan are," deadpanned Harry.

Blake's expression became pinched.

"Alucard. Of course. What did you offer him in return for 'taking a walk'?"

Harry's smirk only got wider.

"I'm delivering it personally at Christmas. You'll have to find out then," said Harry.

"As long as the paperwork is filed out properly."

"Already logged and approved by the Minister."

Fudge was an idiot, and a big enough bribe meant he didn't even bother to look at the paperwork before signing, stamping and filing it. It was already in the filing room, which meant it would take some serious paper pushing to revoke whatever he had given Alucard.

"Evil bastard."

"Just wait until you find out what I'm paying Alucard, and how we're going to have so much fun cleaning up after the mess!" cackled Harry.

Diplomatic Immunity and a decent budget meant Alucard could cause all sorts of hell, and Harry would be right behind him making note of who was due a visit from the Revenue office for not filing the proper forms.

Alucard would do the short-term damage, Harry would make them suffer long-term hell.

* * *

"A dueling club?" repeated Harry. This was Lockhart's answer to the fact that his popularity was on the dive thanks to Harry's torment of him? He was just glad to be outside. The rain had let up for the first time in weeks.

Hell, that shade of a sixteen-year-old Tom Riddle had more of a fight than Lockhart did!

If a book could scream, that diary would have months ago.

Visions of paperwork and the hell that was the Auditor Department in full hive mode had scared Riddle from ever trying to latch on to Harry's core.

He was too afraid he'd end up having to fill Harry's paperwork because he didn't fill out the forms for possession.

And yes, Harry did use him as a way to wind down whenever he had a bad day.

He almost felt sorry for the younger Voldemort. Almost.

It wasn't his fault that Tom Riddle had never figured out true evil was the power of the bureaucracy used against the people.

"Harry, why are you smiling like that?" asked Blaize warily.

"Who wants to see Lockhart publicly humiliated in front of all his fan girls?" Harry called out.

Without hesitation, every male in hearing distance raised their hands.

"Well it will have to wait," said Nott, pointing at what looked like the horde of Valkyries descending on Harry from outside.

Owls. Damn near every owl in the Ministry was descending on the unamused Slytherin.

He took one look and promptly began impressing everyone there with the length and variety of his ability to swear. And he didn't stick to one language either. He branched out to French, German, Japanese, Russian and Arabic.

Most people collected dolls or jewelry while abroad. He collected languages.

He was still working on his Italian.

"What is it?" asked Blaize impressed.

"The most evil and foul of all things one would have to deal with as an Auditor. War Time Backlog. From the look of it Blake went all out and sent the Grindlewald stock. It's sort of an unofficial punishment for pissing off the head of the department."

"What do you do with it all?" asked Blaize, somewhat green at the mere thought of so much paperwork, which was already beginning to pile up. It was as tall as he was!

"You sort, file, stamp and then return it to be cataloged in the filing room. All of it. In quadruplicate. It takes weeks and keeps idle hands busy. For most," said Harry smirking.

Blake had done this before, when a bad spell had him stuck in St. Mungo's for two months and he had nothing better to do.

Last time he had finished half of what she had sent this time in a week. He had still been a rookie then.

"What are you doing to do now? There's no way you'll be able to finish this lot for at least a month," said Draco. It would give him plenty of time to knock Potter off his high horse.

"Oh ye of little faith," said Harry with an evil smirk. "Blaize, I'm going to need three, no make it five high-level vials of muscle relaxer...get Snape to help if you have to. I'm also going to need several wide-eye potions, a clear space to work in to and the biggest table or desk you can find. Fortunately my pen is enchanted to hold a near infinite reservoir of ink."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to be introducing you pure bloods to something the mundanes call...a beer hat, modified of course."

"You're not actually going to sign all of these at once are you?" said Blaize horrified.

Harry had a weird look in his eyes.

"Just get the elves to bring all this to an empty room. I'll post a sign to warn anyone stupid enough to come in. And make sure the Baron knows that Peeves can come in to cause a mess after I leave. If I have to pause just to clean up after his pranks he's going to be in for it!"

 _In the kitchens..._

"Welcome Master Harry Potter sirs!" chorused the elves.

"Please save the 'elf talk' for people who don't know what evil little blighters you all can be. I am going to need one of you to help me for the next three or four days. It's not going to be much, outside of pouring simple soups and liquids down a funnel every so often."

The modified beer helmet was enchanted to handle hot soups, cold drinks, and separate potions. But it worked best if the pouring was done in staggered layers. Like soup on one layer, drinks in the second, and the potions coming in last.

He considered it his proudest creation. And even stuffy pure bloods were hard pressed to deny it was damn useful when it came to signing a marathon of paperwork in rapid succession.

It allowed you to keep up the rhythm without breaking stride, so long as you could adequately deal with the waste issue. A modified bed pan and pair of pants dealt with that perfectly...so long as you had a spare pair to put on once you were done.

He was going to be holed up in the Hospital wing for days after this though.

"I can do it," offered one female elf.

"I'll show you how to pour the soup and drinks in once you have the recipe down," said Harry.

She nodded.

* * *

People passed by the door a week later, and had to stop and read the new sign.

 _ **Bureaucracy in progress. Enter at own risk. Any messes created will result in hexing the likes not even MERLIN has ever seen. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**_

A few brave souls dared to open the door...and promptly closed it in horror.

Potter was either mad...or a bureaucratic god.

There were neatly filed papers on either side, both with a clear 'In' and 'Out' side. Behind a massive desk (likely stolen from the Headmaster if his expression was anything to go by) was Potter himself with a weird look in his eyes as his right hand snagged files from his "In" side and signed in a smooth motion, while his left hand stamped and applied his badge before placing them on his "Out" side in neatly stamped folders.

From the sheer rate of papers flying past him, all signed, stamped and placed in the appropriate places, it was almost impossible to see his hands move in a blur of motion.

But what really caused the muggleborns to stare was the beer helmet, or the closest thing they'd seen since leaving home. On each side of his head was four bottles, all leading to four tubes that were close enough to Potter's mouth that if he merely dipped down he could reach them without breaking his stride. Each bottle was clearly labeled and the bottles were full of something liquid. Not alcohol, as McGonagall was quick to check when she heard about it.

It drinkable soups, icy cold water, and two different potions. Snape had confirmed that his snakes had gotten them from his stores.

Every so often an elf would pop in and replenish the soup and water, careful not to disturb Potter or break his stride.

Almost five days after starting, the sound of the pen's scratching stopped. Everyone was at lunch, and they all turned to look outside.

"What in the name of..." started Blaize. It took a moment for him to realize what he was seeing.

"What the bloody hell is _that?"_ said Granger.

"Are those _paper memos_?" said Percy.

"With what looks like files flying over them to shield them from rain," confirmed Cedric in somewhat shocked awe. He had seen a deluge of inter-department memos before...but this? This was on an unprecedented scale.

"Where's Potter?"

As one, nearly the entire student body went in search of Harry Potter. The room, to their collective shock, was _empty_. The hospital wing was not, as an annoyed Madam Pomphrey was quick to spell a few potions down the throat of a loudly snoring Potter. He was so out cold there was no chance in hell of waking him.

* * *

 _In London..._

Every true bureaucrat turned and promptly grabbed their phones, to photograph the momentous sight before them. It hadn't taken much to realize what they were seeing and spread the word.

The unmistakable sight of a mountain of backlogged paperwork being filed, even if the delivery was unusual. No one said a word. Oblivators were too busy trying to get through the mass of old paperwork and their file defenders to stop the obvious use of magic.

Muggles would claim it was a flock of unusual birds passing through without any inputs from the magical side.

Bureaucrats knew the truth. This was the sign of the chosen one returning. He Who Banishes The Evils of Backlogged Paperwork.

 _In the Auditing Department..._

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! That arrogant little prick! I'm going to kill him for this!" shouted Blake as she had to wade through the paperwork to get anywhere.

"SOMEONE CALL THE REVENUE DEPARTMENT! BRING A LOT OF COFFEE AND KEEP IT COMING!" shouted a senior auditor.

Amelia Bones, having been passing them on her way to her own office, saw them buried in the same paperwork they sent to punish Potter.

While she was impressed, she was laughing her ass off on her way to do her own paperwork.

Department Prankster indeed!


	11. Chapter 11

Harry was in the middle of breakfast when the melodic chime started going off. Several people, including the teachers, turned to him in curiosity over what was making the sound.

Harry reached into his every present briefcase (hiding the use of his pocket dimension effectively) before pulling out several sheaves of papers.

"What are those, Mr. Potter?" asked McGonagall curious.

Harry finished his tea, before calmly stating loud enough to carry across the great hall "Forms required to bring two people back from the dead. To be perfectly honest I had almost forgotten that the deadline was about up before they could be used."

Dead silence. Finally, Blaize cautiously spoke.

"Are you telling me that there are actually forms to bring someone back to life?" he said slowly.

Harry gave him an amused look.

"Blaize, Blaize, Blaize...there's a form for _everything_. It's just that most humans...well, any mortal being, don't really have the patience or the ability to handle doing the paperwork required by the gods of the dead to bring someone back _legally._ Never mind the fact that said paperwork only doubles the more people you wish to revive. It's their job to make it as difficult and painful as possible to deter the casual necromancer. Never mind the ripples bringing people back cause. Though for those rare few who manage to pull off actually filling the forms out correctly and in all the right places, the request is almost always approved. The biggest hassle outside that is the time limit before the resurrection can be fulfilled."

"So who are you bringing back?" asked Hermione curiously.

"Why my parents of course. Of course I really need to speak to the goblins. Excuse me."

After dropping that bomb on everyone, it took too long for Dumbledore to realize Harry wasn't joking about speaking to the goblins and that he was entirely serious about bringing his parents back. He had to scramble to find out what Harry was doing after the fact.

Griphook was openly impressed and more than slightly amused when he heard Lord Potter's plans. Thanks to the wisdom of his grandfather, the headship of the Potter family had been skipped straight to Harry when Charlus realized his son was a bit too... devoted...to Dumbledore.

In a rare show of wisdom, James only had access to a personal vault that was filled only once a decade, with more than enough gold that he could live off it without having to work, at least until the scheduled filling of the vault. As long as he was careful with it. If he could manage to keep it from dipping beyond a certain point, he would be allowed to access the main vaults.

Sadly, even though Charlus had spelled out the terms for James to have access to the main vaults again, the man had foolishly loaned far too much gold for him to fill his end of the agreement to Dumbledore and the Order during the war.

There was such a thing as being _too_ naïve.

Hence why he was in Gringotts. As the head of the Potter family and the only one with access to the main vaults (which he had been steadily adding to since he finally had access to the vaults) he had the authority to reopen James and Lily's vaults before the paperwork went through and they were successfully brought back.

Since he couldn't really be there to welcome them back to the living, he was going to send Sirius and Remus to do it.

The same terms applied. If James could prove he wasn't entirely stupid and had his head too far up the old wizard's arse to the point he could see light, Harry _might_ upgrade the personal vault or even allow him access to the main one again. The same went for his mother.

However if they proved to be too dependent on Dumbledore to think, well, he would cut them both out of his life without much hesitation. He had been through too much for him to honestly give a damn about people too stupid to think for themselves.

Harry was very much a ruthless Bureaucrat. If he had to cut out his own family to get things done for to make his life more tolerable long term, then he would.

Right now though, he had to legally resurrect the Potters in the eyes of the Ministry. Which thankfully didn't involve _nearly_ as many forms or headaches as the actual papers required by the gods of the dead. He had been a recently hired Auditor then, and there had been a ten year deadline. One that had to be served by the person requesting it in a linear fashion.

The fact he served it and then ended up time traveling back to his past self was a bonus. His soul had spent ten years waiting and that was all that mattered.

"Very well, Lord Potter. Everything seems to be in order. Once they are confirmed as 'resurrected', they will be acknowledged as living once again. And must I say, we are absolutely enjoying the delightful way you're legally torturing that old wizard. Putting his position as the Headmaster under a full audit was absolute genius."

"The more he irritates me, the more I get to drag him through countless repetitions of the same paperwork. Next time I'm hitting him as the leader of the Wizangamot, followed by the fact he's the Supreme Mugwump. If we're all really lucky they'll likely lynch him for it, because it means I get to hit the others in both Wizangamot and the International Confederation of Wizards both, since he's the one who leads them," grinned Harry evilly.

Griphook let out a bark of cruel laughter.

"Can I share that with the other goblins?"

"By all means. Tell them it's a forewarning of good times for everyone that isn't an auditor or goblin. And that they're free to make the lives of the pure bloods as miserable as possible if they wish," said Harry far too cheerfully. "Of course we'll have to wait for Dumbledore to finish his current audit. Which should be around the time my parents are brought back."

The sound of evil laughter sent chills down the spines of the sheeple in the bank.

* * *

"Remus, am I seeing things?" said Sirius.

"If you're seeing Lily and James alive...but reeking to high heaven, then no."

"I... I'm torn between hugging that little bastard or hexing him for making me fill out all that damn paperwork."

"Who?" said Remus, not getting the reference.

"Harry. I know he has something to do with this, but damned if I know what. And why did he say Terrence says hello and that he'd be happy to visit? And why does that name fill me with dread?"

Remus wisely didn't ask, but was privately wondering what sort of dark necromancer ritual his surrogate nephew used to bring his two parents back from the dead. Or how the hell he had known exactly WHEN they would be revived, without being present.

"Mr. and Mrs. Potter?" said the goblin who had been sent with them. Gnarl according to him. He was an old thing that liked to scare wizards a bit much.

"Uh yeah. Any idea how we're alive?" asked James.

"Ask your son. If you'll follow me we can have the paperwork filed before the end of the day announcing your return so you don't have to deal with the messy details like the Unspeakables trying to find out how you returned without your knowledge."

The two Potters followed the wizened old goblin to the bank, and spent three hours filing forms...and being allowed to get cleaned up. Needless to say they were confused, sore and had no idea what the hell was going on.

It wouldn't be until the next day that they were able to arrange a meeting with Harry.

* * *

 _Meanwhile in Surrey..._

Petunia found a familiar owl outside. Wondering what her nephew had done this time, she opened the window and removed the letter.

" _Dear Aunt Petunia,_

 _Due to the fact that the time limit expired on certain forms, my brief if memorable stay with your family has been terminated. As I have no doubts that my parents will be more than sufficient to raise me from now, you can consider us even._

 _Oh, and before you ask, I already had the paperwork filed to bring back my parents before I somehow ended up back in the past and started bringing hell down upon the idiot wizards. If you wish, I could arrange clippings so that you can enjoy their misery at having to suffer the same thing any normal person does when they piss off an auditor. If I were you, I'd advise moving out of the country until things calm down._

 _Love Harry."_

"VERNON!" yelled Petunia. At least Harry had been...kind...enough to give them warning.

If Lily EVER found out how they had treated him before he bribed them to leave him alone, she'd have an apoplectic fit! No way in hell was she sticking around if she really HAD returned. Not until she calmed down or had a better target.

Harry was rather amused at the looks people were shooting him. Particularly Dumbledore. Especially when he found out the hard way that all the forms and papers were filed correctly to label the Potters as "alive" in the eyes of the Ministry. And since Harry hadn't performed any rituals that would bring his parents back, there was literally nothing they could charge him with.

But if Dumbledore believed Harry to be the spawn of Satan (or at least an extension of Voldemort) it was nothing compared to how James reacted learning his son was a Slytherin.

* * *

 _In a private room inside Hogsmeade..._

Once James hugged his son, he took a better look at him. And reeled back in horror.

"A _Slytherin_? My son is a SLYTHERIN?"

"Well of course I'm a bloody Slytherin! Honestly, where is your common sense man? How the hell else am I supposed to enjoy the looks of horror and terror on their faces when they realize that pissing me off lands their families in enough trouble that even that idiot Black fears me? Hell, Snape was smart enough to make a truce before I took out his crappy attitude in a way he can't deduct points for!" scoffed Harry.

"Still, a Slytherin..." muttered James.

However Lily was staring at her son for entirely different reasons.

"Looks of horror and terror?" she repeated dryly.

Harry pushed up his glasses.

"I have better access to my victims and it's hilarious watching the Dark families scramble to find a way to get at me when I have enough power to make them suffer in ways that mere curses can't compare. I _am_ the Department Prankster after all. I need to keep those skills sharp."

James perked up at the word prankster.

"So you're a Marauder then?"

"By the time I graduated all four Marauders were dead, and only Remus bothered to have a son. And this time I can curtail any potential bullying for the next generation of Marauders before it goes to far. I mean really, trying to feed another student to a werewolf because he was best friends with your crush? That's just pathetic," said Harry snidely.

"So how did you bring us back?" asked Lily.

Harry pulled out several sheaves of paper.

"I'm a bureaucrat. Filing forms and going long hours with only a quill or a pen is something I do out of boredom. Though even I wasn't expecting to have to fill out that many forms just to bring you back. Oh and before I forget, the requirements to be allowed back on the list to access the main Potter vault are back into effect. As well as a few others if you wish to remain part of the Main Potter family branch. I expect siblings," said Harry succinctly.

"You're rather blunt," observed Lily, as James was still reeling from the idea of a Slytherin son.

"I've had to live through the continuation of the war that got you both killed, and I had a rough childhood courtesy of your sister and brother in law. Except this time around I had the common bloody sense to bribe them into leaving me the hell alone. So long as you aren't the sort of people who literally kiss Dumbledore's arse or believe that he is god, we might be able to live with each other. Otherwise I'm moving in with Sirius," deadpanned Harry.

He hated everyone equally, and he enjoyed making people suffer as much as he had growing up in a twisted sort of revenge against the world. So what if people thought he was evil?

At least they couldn't claim he was the next Dark Lord, because he was mostly making them suffer via the Ministry. And the Minister couldn't turn him into an attack dog or the Auditors would come down on his ass.

All in all, it wasn't an instant connection, but it could have gone much worse.

From the looks of it, Lily seemed to be the sort that would have perpetual amusement at the antics of her son...while James was clearly the dramatic type. So long as they didn't annoy him too much, and didn't piss him off, he was willing to at least try to get along with his parents.

It wasn't until he got close enough to actually smell his mother's perfume that he cottoned on to why she really married him.

"Ah. You do realize I can get you a legal prescription so even if you're caught with it you won't be arrested, right?"

Lily blinked.

"Really now," she practically purred.

Harry smirked before holding a card that allowed one to legally purchase weed from registered retailers. For perfectly medical reasons of course.

He could tell by scent alone that his mother happened to be a purveyor of fine plants.

"In fact I happen to have a good friend who is _excellent_ at growing plants."

Neville was his source before he came back, and it would be child's play to convince Neville to start his collection again.

And really, the idea his mother smoked weed to deal with being married to his father made so much more sense considering he heard plenty of stories about how much James Potter pissed her off.

It would take something pretty damn big for her to change her mind. Being given unofficial leeway because she was a noblewoman would go a little way into changing her mind. There was also money, status and hell, just plain lust.

As long as James didn't piss him off by becoming as bad as Lockhart with the amateur dramatics, he wouldn't completely ruin the man.


	12. Chapter 12

It was Christmas, and many people had more than one reason to celebrate.

For Dumbledore and McGonagall, it was the mark of the end of the accursed audit. To be fair, McGonagall got off lighter than Dumbledore...if one could call it that. She did do _most_ of the paperwork, since she couldn't really call the headmaster on his 'obligations' like sudden trips to the Ministry to clean up after Fudge or his cronies, leaving her with the heavier piles.

And while Dumbledore managed to get out of the paperwork by dint of dumping it on his deputy, he still got hit with all sorts of fines, some of which he would swear on his precious beard were invented solely for him in mind.

Despite evidence by a helpful Percy that indicated he was not the first Headmaster to be busted skimming too much off the top. A little bit was fine, almost expected even. But the amount he was taking had hurt the school too much to be simply ignored, as the portraits were gleeful in reminding him.

For Sirius, Remus and Snape it marked the return of their best friends, even if Lily only tentatively forgave Snape for calling her a Mudblood.

She would neither confirm nor deny the use of recreational potions given to her by Snape. All of them designed with her in mind. Apparently hearing the _real_ reason she married James had done wonders for his hatred of the man.

For Harry, it marked the beginning of a long-term amount of amusement both at work and at home.

Mostly because he had found out quite by accident upon looking at the pass he was to deliver to Alucard as payment for dealing with a certain author also applied to the mundane world. Apparently no one had ever gotten around to fixing it.

All Integra knew was that her grip on a certain Master Vampire had become both easier and harder at the same time.

She could no longer hold monetary concerns over the bastard, but it also meant she didn't have to listen to nearly as much bitching from the other lords who had a hold on their precious budget. Well, that and they didn't have to pay nearly as much hush money to keep people caught in the middle of Alucard's "walks" quiet.

Blake was appalled when she found out what Harry had promised Alucard. For more reasons than one.

Harry was enjoying some specially made eggnog courtesy of Dobby (Lucius had discreetly 'bribed' Harry in exchange for not auditing him for at least two years) while the party at one of the few Potter manors to escape a Death Eater raid was in full swing.

Most, if not all of the valuables in the original had been automatically transferred via the Potter elves to one of the empty homes. While they couldn't save his grandparents, they were at least able to save hundreds of years of history before the fire.

"You know I never did get the story behind why you agreed to marry the Prince of Amateur Dramatics," said Harry.

"Well it wasn't lust or money, I can tell you that much," said Lily. Harry found he could get along terrifyingly well with his mother better than James.

James never did properly grow up, and was still very much a spoiled rich kid. Harry was reserving his opinion of the man until he had a better judge of his character.

To be fair, the most he knew of his father was that he was a prankster, a not-so-reformed bully, and that he had been an only child that had been spoiled by his parents who were getting on in years. Oh, and that he had played Quidditch and had been put in Gryffindor.

The information on his mother was tainted by Petunia's jealousy and Snape's bitterness about losing her to James. The teachers always had the most annoying habit of cleaning up their stories of his parents, hoping not to paint a bad picture for a bereaved orphan.

All he knew was that Lily and James had married young, and that they had started dating sometime around the middle of seventh year. Which really didn't make much sense at all, considering from what little he knew of his mother before her resurrection, she couldn't stand James and would have most certainly held a distinct dislike of him for tormenting Snape for so long, even if they weren't speaking to each other.

Hence why Harry was somewhat suspicious that there might have been spells or love potions involved.

"You do realize I'm old enough to hear the full and unvarnished story of why you two married so young, right?"

Lily looked at her drink and downed the firewhiskey in one go.

"Oh what the hell, why not. It's Christmas after all."

Harry listened intently.

"When I was about fifteen, before sixth year, Petunia became absolutely unbearable to be around. While I was commiserating on what a brat she was, Severus introduced me to a rather unusual plant."

"Ah, I had wondered where you got started on that."

Lily snorted.

"It was the muggle variety in case you were wondering. I had to wait until Alice found out I happened to be a 'purveyor of fine plants' as you so eloquently put it before I was introduced to the magical variety. Once I was properly mellow, I found dealing with my sister became much easier. However it wasn't until I went back to Hogwarts that I discovered it had another use. It made it easier not to hex James for being such a braying jackass all the time."

Harry snorted in agreement.

"Anyway it wasn't until about mid-year seventh year that James found out about it, and around Christmas he finally figured out how to get me to go out on a date with him."

"He bribed you with a bag of the high quality kind didn't he?"

"That and some really, really good scotch he pilfered from the Potter family home," agreed Lily. "Anyway one thing lead to another and while we were drunk and high, we ended up sleeping together."

Harry suddenly snorted, as he realized where this was going.

"You found out you were knocked up a few months later, held him at wand point and told him he had better take some damn responsibility for me, or you'd curse him with more than just foul language?" he guessed.

"Actually my father threatened to shot him with an old hunting rifle left behind by my great grandfather when he found what happened, but I wasn't that far behind," admitted Lily. Harry might have gotten James' looks, but it was pretty clear he inherited most of his genius and personality from her.

"Queue the cliché shotgun...or wand point...wedding," said Harry amused.

"I flat out told James if he didn't want to end up on the wrong side of my wand during our marriage, he had to make sure I had a reason not to want to kill him."

"So he started supplying you with more to keep you mellow enough not to strangle him in his sleep. That actually makes a hell of a lot more sense than you suddenly having a change of heart just because he was a rich jock who wouldn't leave you alone."

Because finding out his father knocked his mother up after a night of drinking and getting high was one of the few things he could openly believe. It explained far more than the bullshit the teachers tried to tell him when he asked the first time around.

And why Snape suddenly didn't hate James nearly as much for marrying his mother.

"One thing I never did figure out was why no one said anything when they found out I was trying to grow some in the greenhouses," said Lily.

It was illegal to grow your own in the muggle world, but no one batted an eye in the magical one. Not even one token warning from the Aurors, or any comments when they tested her for potions and she knew that it came up.

Harry rolled his eyes.

"They're stuck in the Victorian era, remember? Back then cocaine and opium were still considered perfectly legal, never mind pot."

"And how did you get started?"

"How did you think I handled coming out of the underworld after signing all that damn paperwork to bring you two back? The potions they had me on to fix my broken wrist and worn muscles made me so nauseous I couldn't eat much, so a coworker introduced me to the muggle way of getting my hunger back up. After that I found it more relaxing than trying to smoke regular tobacco when finishing long hours of signing, so I got a muggle prescription. I only ever use it after the really, really long episodes of signing, filing and stamping paperwork."

Sirius went into the back room and brought out a cage.

"You do realize I already own an owl of uncommon intelligence?" said Harry when Sirius handed him the cage.

"It's not an owl," said Sirius grinning.

Harry raised an eyebrow, before lifting the cloth covering. When he saw what was inside he began to laugh and laugh and laugh. Outside there was random lightning strikes that made quite a few people jump in surprise or fear.

It was a monkey. A Capuchin monkey to be exact. It screeched at him, and immediately scrambled up his arm and onto his shoulder where it sat, tail firmly around his neck.

"What's with the monkey?" asked James.

"His name is Jack," grinned Harry more than a little evilly. He was going to have _fun_ with this.

"Okay, now I'm really curious as to why Sirius gave you a monkey for a pet...and why you're starting to creep me the hell out," said Remus flatly.

In lieu of explaining, Harry brought out a projector and a copy of _Pirate of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl._

James took one look at the monkey, remembered the name his son had just given his new pet, and then immediately said "I so want a monkey now!"

"No," said Lily flatly.

"But..."

"NO. Harry gets one because he's earned it, but there is no way you're getting a monkey as well. You couldn't even remember to feed my cat, let alone bother to clean the litter box unless I hexed you repeatedly! And in case you've forgotten, your own parents refused to get you a pet when you couldn't keep a simple goldfish alive for a month!" said Lily.

James pouted.

"I still say that goldfish had to be defective..."

"That reminds me, I got an invitation from Alucard to join in on his idea of a Christmas party. Anyone else want to come?"

"I'll be keeping the idiot duo in line with Remus. Have fun, and if you're going to cause mental trauma make sure they remember you as much as they do the vampire," said Lily absentmindedly.

Harry smirked.

He knew there was a reason he liked his mother more than his own father.

As he made sure Jack was comfortable, he left with a parting shot "I still expect siblings!"

* * *

There was chaos. There was anarchy. There was diabolical laughter and screams of terror.

Basically Alucard having far too much fun with an able and willing cohort and his new pet monkey while driving a tank that they 'appropriated' from a nearby military base.

Alucard had hired some hookers, Harry was having far too much fun driving said tank and hitting every idiot dressed as a cheap Santa and generally spreading havoc and discord. They even went through a shopping mall, though Harry had been polite enough to warn them with ample amount of time so that they could clear the bottom floor. A simple bomb threat had been sufficient to insure there were minimal pedestrians unlucky enough to almost get run over.

The fact he was grinning like a madman with a massive sucker in his mouth that was designed to look like a cigar was of little importance.

Alucard was cackling like the insane Master Vampire he was, Harry was having far too much enjoyment spreading havoc to be legal, and everyone else was trying to avoid the two of them.

When Harry rammed the tank into a lake and the cops FINALLY caught up with them, he took far too much amusement in showing off the papers declaring that both of them had diplomatic immunity.

Harry was not an idiot, and Fudge never even noticed he had basically given carte blanche to do whatever the hell he wanted to a time traveling Marauder and a Master Vampire with the most twisted sense of humor outside of a dimension hopping pain in the ass known as Zelretch.

Hearing the sounds of the most inventive swearing from the detectives and cops that had come to arrest them and charge the two of them with everything under the sun and anything they could come up with only to find they could touch them was music to Harry's ears. He was so impressed that he actually took notes to share with the twins.

* * *

"Where's the Hippogryff that hit me?" moaned James from the coach. Sirius wasn't much better.

"Have fun last night?" asked Lily to Harry. She had been given a special hangover remedy courtesy of Snape, just before he left for the night.

Harry mumbled something she couldn't quite catch from under the mass of blankets. Though from his tone alone she could speculate it had something to do with closing the curtains.

Lily was almost tempted to see if he too had a hangover like his fool of a father, but she wasn't quite that cruel.

She gently shook his shoulder, and got a glare from a pair of green eyes.

"Do I have to wake up? I despise mornings," complained Harry.

"Did you have fun?" she repeated.

Harry's hand reached out of the mass of covers, and grabbed the remote off the table. He clicked on and put it on the news channel. By this time Remus had found some hangover remedies and had generously shared them with the two other Marauders.

Once they realized what they were seeing (Harry trying to amble back into a proper bed to sleep off the fun of last night), the Marauders couldn't help but feel as though their titles as Master Pranksters had come under challenge.

Chaos. Pure unbridled chaos and disbelief.

"I don't believe it," said Sirius, listening to the news anchor give a detailed list of the havoc Harry had created on Christmas with a master vampire.

James had an odd look on his face, once he realized what his son had done while he was out drinking.

"I'm so proud! I knew he took after me!" he cackled, before clutching his head.

"How did he avoid getting arrested though? I know he gave Alucard diplomatic immunity, but..."

Lily spotted something left behind by the mass of covers.

"I think our son managed to slip his own papers in with Alucard's," she said dryly, holding them up.

James was doing a jig. He had feared the worst finding out his son was an Auditor (shudder) and a Slytherin. But now he had concrete proof his son was a proper Marauder after all.

Now they just needed a proper Marauder name for him, if he didn't have one already.


	13. Chapter 13

Harry barely looked up when someone slammed a copy of a muggle paper at him after he returned from the Yule-time holiday.

"What. Did. You. Do."

"Hello to you too Hermione. Have a nice Christmas?"

"You caused millions in collateral damage and spread untold amount of havoc on Christmas! How are you not in jail?!"

"That reminds me, did your father enjoy the interview he got with..." asked Harry to Luna.

"He said it was the most amusing actual interview he had done in years. It's not often you'd find a Master Vampire so accommodating, especially one so renowned as Alucard himself," said Luna. Her smile widened just a bit. "On an unrelated note, Integra is paying us a rather nice sum of money to run ads for the Hellsing Organization. Apparently they have an unfortunate turnover rate of men to guard the estate."

"Hey Harry. So were you really behind the Christmas Chase, or were the first gens having us on?" asked Blaize.

Harry looked at them all smugly, before pulling out a set of papers, laminated and charmed to be indestructible.

"What are... Oh my god... Are these..." sputtered Hermione

"Fudge is an idiot, and if you're nice I can get you a nice shiny set of papers like this," said Harry grinning evilly.

In his hands were a set of papers that declared Harry had "diplomatic immunity". Signed by Fudge himself, as well as the Prime Minister...though it was more of a copy that was put on a stamp to speed up the process. It automatically updated every time a new Minister was put into office, and could only be used by the Minister of Magic. The mere fact the man had been stupid enough to make the papers legal in both magical and mundane worlds was yet another sign he was incompetent.

Hermione was about to say something when she heard an unusual noise.

"Is that... a monkey?"

"His name is Jack. These are the papers that Snape signed over the holidays stating I could bring him to Hogwarts, provided he doesn't cause any distractions in class," said Harry, petting his new monkey.

Hermione stared.

"WHY?"

"You'll find out in a few years...after we've graduated."

 _Pirates of the Caribbean_ didn't come out until after the war.

"I... There are no words to describe this," said Hermione, admitting defeat.

She couldn't complain about having a non-standard pet, because she knew Harry always went through the proper channels when he wanted something. It was hard to tell him no, simply because he found ways for the rules to work with him and always made very, very sure that even if he was caught, they couldn't charge him with anything.

The first time he was a student, he fought against the system and could never get anything done.

He had learned as an auditor that it took real skill to use the system against people, to the point where they were the ones to get into major trouble stopping you. And considering he had a long list of people he wanted to get back at, he had spent countless hours learning how to manipulate the world around him legally to the point he could literally make even the most powerful wizards and witches bow before him.

Case in point, the fact he had forced Dumbledore to leave him the hell alone this time around.

Things were so much simpler now.

"On an unrelated note, I think the diary I nicked from Ginny is about to crack from the torture I've been subjecting it too all year," said Harry pleasantly, as if talking about the weather.

"What diary? And how could you torture it?" asked Hermione baffled.

"The diary I handed over to the Unspeakables at New Years of course. I had to listen to Blake yell at me for two hours for paying Alucard, and I figured they might enjoy experimenting on the thing since I've grown bored with torturing it. Too bad it lacked the vocal capacity to make actual screams, because I've rather enjoyed insuring the soul fragment lodged inside didn't dare possess me," said Harry.

"...I'm completely lost," admitted Blaize.

"Someone, who I've agreed not to name, wanted to unleash the terror of the Chamber of Secrets on the school. Fortunately, I intercepted the item which would have done so and insured that the plan failed spectacularly. Since the soul in question annoyed me greatly last time, I made a game of torturing it extensively before boredom set in and I handed it over to the proper people. They were quite thrilled with the new toy and I now have a good amount of access to a large amount of artifacts they no longer have a use for," said Harry.

Part of the agreement to free Dobby was that Harry wouldn't tell the DMLE that Lucius had attempted to offload a Horcrux on Arthur Weasley's only daughter in an attempt to discredit him. He never said he wouldn't tip off said man about the area under the drawing room floor, which would almost certainly get him into trouble.

Though Harry was "kind" enough to have already filed out the forms for a non-standard bribe to a high-ranking auditor. Lucius just had to sign the appropriate lines, and they both went about their day.

Unspoken was the fact that Lucius and by extension a good portion of the Death Eaters that were still out had a new found respect for the so called "savior".

The thing Harry enjoyed most about the transaction was that he firmly established himself as a Neutral, and a power that didn't need to rely on his so-called fame or connection to Dumbledore in order to get things done.

It certainly got Walburga to shut up when Harry went with Sirius to evaluate Grimmauld place. Finding her son had named such a vicious Slytherin child who practiced the Black way of revenge on people who annoyed them too much had made her much easier to manage. Even if the heir _was_ a half-blood.

Sirius was more than happy to sign over the lordship once Harry was physically old enough. It wasn't like he had wanted to become Lord Black.

"...Does anyone else have a headache?" asked Hermione.

Blaize raised his hand.

"Oh, and I plan to rid the school of Lockhart shortly. If for no other reason than to avoid the inevitable abomination he will likely concoct for Valentine's Day," said Harry shuddering.

He remembered the pink nightmare Lockhart had thought appropriate. He absolutely refused to go through the migraine that was the 'cupids' that Lockhart had brought in, never mind the decoration.

"Do I want to know?" asked Blaize.

"Let me put it this way... If Lockhart had been in his right mind when it came out, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he was a die hard _Twilight_ fan," said Harry with an open shudder. It would explain far too much.

"What does that mean?" asked Hermione.

Blaize snorted.

"You mean you haven't figured it out yet?" he asked.

"I figured it out after the flock of memos," admitted Neville.

"I knew the moment I saw him," said Luna dreamily.

"It wasn't that hard to realize," said Percy, having wandered over.

Hermione looked at them all in confusion and annoyance.

"Figured out what?"

"Time traveler. Last time I was a Gryffindor, but I'm having far too much fun as a Slytherin to clue certain authority figures in. Frankly I'm surprised the headmaster hasn't figured it out by now," said Harry.

"Time travel is impossible."

"Not really. The Ministry has time turners which take people back one hour, and there are multiple cases of Aurors or Unspeakables being caught in random spells that throw them back in time. It happens often enough that there's actual forms and procedures in order to give the time traveler all the same authority and power they had before the incident. It's just rare for an Auditor to end up being the one to do it," said Harry. His smirk was wide as he added "And no police public call boxes were ever used...though not for lack of searching."

Hermione caught the _Doctor Who_ reference.

"If you're really a time traveler, then tell me this..." she started.

"The war between Dumbledore's faction and Voldemort's kicked off when I was a fourth year, though it didn't become public until near the end of the fifth. A lot of good people died, including Dumbledore, and in the end I was married to Ginny for two years before we divorced and you married Ron. He was very unhappy when I made you realize you had a thing for being a dominatrix after a particularly boring Christmas party," said Harry flatly.

Hermione shuddered at the thought of marrying Ron.

The official story was that Lockhart experienced a "nervous breakdown" thanks to a mystery prankster. The fact that he had been put under a full audit that went back to right before he started publishing his 'travel logs' as Harry snidely called them, had just tipped him over.

On a completely unrelated note, the idiot was soon outed as a fraud when he not only failed to prove he had been to said areas during the incidents in question, but that he had _stolen_ the accomplishments from the real heroes because...and they were quoting him on this... "they weren't pretty enough to be put on the cover".

And, to add insult to injury, Harry made a point of directing the victims of Lockhart's scam (namely those he obliviated in order to steal their story) to the best barrister he could find.

Andromeda Tonks ne Black was almost certain to make a mint...though it was debateable whether it would happen before or after Lockhart was sentenced to two years of no magic.

His crimes were heinous, but he still had fans on the Wizangamot. Fans who would rather give him a hard wake up call of what it was like to live as a muggle than to send him to the worst prison they had.

* * *

Dumbledore had to scramble to find a replacement...fortunately there were three available candidates who could replace Lockhart.

Lily had already agreed to act as Flitwick's assistant in exchange for earning her Charms Mastery, and handle the younger students. The fact it meant she could get close to her son properly was just an added bonus.

She would start next year.

 _In the DADA classroom..._

"Hello kiddies! I'm your new Defense teacher, Professor Potter! I'm going to be your teacher until fifth year, by which time you'll be prepared for Professor Black," said James Potter grinning wildly.

By mutual agreement (and by that Lily meant that James had beaten Sirius at the coin toss) James took the younger years while Sirius worked with the older ones preparing for their exams. Remus was going to be a 'guest instructor' for the third years, as well as acting as assistant for the Care of Magical Creatures class.

Professor Kettleburn would be retiring at the end of the year, and Hagrid had been more than happy to agree to act as the substitute for the three days Lupin would be unavailable to teach. Though he had to run any creatures he planned to show past Lupin first.

No need to jump ahead of any lesson plans, and it kept potential disasters like the one Harry mentioned to Lupin from happening. Hagrid didn't deserve to have Lucius Malfoy after him because of a minor mishap with a hippogryff.

Harry almost groaned.

"Joy. We got rid of one drama queen only to replace him with the Prince of Amateur dramatics," said Harry.

"He _has_ to be better than Lockhart," said Blaize.

"No idea, but I'm sure Snape would be thrilled with an accomplice in slipping unspeakable things into his morning drink."

* * *

Spending an entire class with James was interesting, informative... and gave Harry at least _one_ reason not to drive his own father insane. Fortunately he had the perfect defense against anything Fred and George created with help from James and Sirius.

He was the only real backer they had for when they created their joke shop. One did not piss off the person holding the money, after all.

Snape was not having a good day. Right up until he found out that Harry would be more than happy to prank his father with potions Snape had brewed, so long as they didn't cause too much damage.

All-day diarrhea did not qualify as 'too much damage', and Harry had a limited patience for dramatics.

"So what's it like, having your parents alive again?" asked Snape, grading papers while Harry filed his paperwork from the department.

It was the only place he could do his job without having to deal with Dumbledore or the other students annoying him. They had a companionable silence while doing work.

"I don't know. What's it like finding out your best friend only married an idiot because he knocked her up after a night of drinking?" Harry shot back.

"Touche. Thank you for your assistance in reconnecting with Lily," said Snape.

"You've proven you're not a complete bastard," said Harry in way of explanation.

Snape took it for what it was, and said nothing. At least until he noticed movement.

"Why a monkey?" he asked. Because really, that was bugging him since Harry got his new pet approved.

Harry smirked.

After they finished their paperwork, Harry introduced him to the movie. And then produced the entire set.

Something he hadn't shared even with his own family, outside of the first movie.

"Do you have more?"

"Movies? Yes."

Snape's smirk spoke volumes of an idea that had been sparked. Harry already shared his books in exchange for a semi-permanent access to the restricted section.


	14. Chapter 14

It was during one of the rare times Harry wasn't doing his job and they were completely free from homework that Hermione brought up something that bugged her. Specifically the fact Harry sometimes had a weird smell around him right before dinner.

"Harry, why do you always smell like weed once a week?"

"Actually it's twice or three times a week," commented Blaize.

"I'm worried about you," said Hermione.

"Why? I use it for a perfectly legitimate medical reason."

"To relax and increase your appetite," said Blaize without looking up from the investment papers Harry shared with him.

"There's nothing wrong with his appetite!"

"Actually..." said Blaize.

"I have avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder, or what used to be called Selective Eating Disorder. Long story short after seeing how my cousin blimped up from eating nothing but fatty foods, I've developed an aversion to what most call 'junk food' and overly fatty foods. The problem is that I have a dangerously thin fat layer and the fact I don't eat enough protein means it's really hard for me to build it up properly. However when I use weed, I find my reservations towards eating things like pizza and burgers is relaxed enough that I actually eat my fill. Of course I didn't learn that until later."

Originally he started using weed to relax after a long session of filing. Then he got a surprising compliment from his mundane doctor about how he was finally gaining a healthy weight as opposed to the almost anorexic weight he had before.

After that he started scheduling days where he would enjoy a nice night of relaxing and gorging on things like pizza, burgers, and other fried foods.

"Besides, it's perfectly legal to smoke week in the magical communities, and with the medical card, the cops generally look the other way after I explain why I have it."

He hardly had to bribe the doctor to get it once he did a full medical examination shortly after his revelation of the fact he had been sent back in time by accident.

After learning of his eating habits, it became permanent. His mother, however, required his skills of talking people into anything and a single subtle threat.

"Wait, what do you mean it's legal?!" said Hermione horrified.

Harry peered at her past the top of his glasses, his green eyes showing open amusement.

"Hermione, wizards went into hiding _long_ before the Victorian era. Opium was still very much legal, as was cocaine back then. If you remember your mundane history, the Opium Wars were started because the Chinese brought tea over and the British got hooked on it and wanted to insure a steady supply...so they introduced Opium to the Chinese. So the fact I smoke a little weed isn't exactly noteworthy. Hell, Neville recently agreed to supply me with the magical variety as thanks for bringing back his parents to him for free," said Harry flatly.

Her expression cleared up, before she asked "What's the difference..."

"Mundane weed makes you see fun visions and increases appetite. Magical weed loosens your hold on magic to the point that _everyone_ sees the visions in addition to the regular effects. It's sometimes compared to liquid luck, but the effects aren't nearly as consistent."

"I'm surprised the first gens aren't up in arms about this," said Hermione.

"Who do you think are the biggest users of the magical variety? So long as they don't do it in front of the cops, they're free to explore and have fun. It doesn't hurt that the magical variety isn't _nearly_ as addictive as the mundane and those that do get hooked to unhealthy levels can usually purge the addiction within a few months with regular trips to St. Mungo's."

"Well that and they're often the ones doing the supplying. It's not that uncommon for pure bloods to pay good coin to get reliable items to relax."

"And let's not discount the bureaucrats. They're just as bad, next to the coffee addiction. I once swapped the coffee for decaff for three weeks, and I was nearly lynched after they got used to the espresso when I switched it back," said Harry chuckling.

They did get a _lot_ of paperwork done until they got used to the extra kick though.

Harry finally got Blake off his back by introducing the department to the 'special' espresso beans that were more in line with necromancy rituals than actual coffee.

He only knew that because he literally had a cup of fresh brew near someone recently declared dead (he was there to insure that the man wasn't faking) and the man bolted up when he got too close and stared right at him.

Gave the poor medi-wizard a heart attack, but it was still pretty damn memorable.

"Why are you two here anyway? Isn't this summer vacation?" asked Harry finishing off another stack.

"Hermione wanted to talk to your mother, and I wanted to avoid my mother," explained Blaize.

"Ah. Well give me a minute and I'll give you a tour. Mind you, my knowledge of the history of the house is a bit iffy, but it's still usable. The portraits generally have a lot to say when they know you're giving a tour," said Harry.

Harry only knew about the place because he lived here before and holed himself up every Valentine's Day to avoid the fan girls. It was more interesting than just doing paperwork, since he usually finished what he had in hours and rarely felt like reading afterwards.

* * *

Spending an entire summer with his childish father and passive-aggressive mother was the most fun he had ever had.

James was very much a child in many ways, but that was understandable considering he had died too young to learn he needed to grow up. Lily and Remus had done more of the parenting his first year than James, usually went out with Sirius for Order business.

Now that Harry was practically grown, James had to make some hard decisions.

It didn't help that Harry was forcing James to figure out _where_ his allegiances stood. He could live with James learning to grow up, but he had to make sure that his father wouldn't ruin his long-standing prank against Dumbledore and the Death Eaters.

And James could understand pranks.

Though something did happen that had the potential to change their father-son relationship for the better.

Because honestly, at this point Harry had a better camaraderie with Sirius than James. A fact that still irked James a bit.

"So...why an auditor?" asked James.

"Because aurors were too corrupt and victims of a failing Ministry, and if I tried to go vigilante I'd never hear the end of it from the sheep. Then a former friend made a throw-away comment on how the only way I'd get anything resembling justice would be to set the Ministry's auditing department on them, and an idea sparked."

"Why would you need justice? What happened?" asked James seriously.

"You think the first time Voldemort went on a blood bath was bad? Round two was infinitely worse. See the last time, Dumbledore kept the fighters from using equal force against people who had no problems with murdering children. However once he was dead and I finally had access to the Black Library...well, let's just say I sleep fine at night because I dealt with the issue. Mostly. However some of them managed to slip under the radar and use the same excuse as before to escape justice for their crimes. Hence why I became an auditor. I make them suffer in a way they can't get me arrested for, because their vaults contribute to the Ministry."

Harry's grin was more than slightly terrifying.

"You killed them?" said James.

"Let me tell you exactly what Dumbledore created through his stupidity. You and mom died young enough that you had _zero_ influence on my personality. I was stuck living with Petunia Dursley, and unlike this time, I had to suffer ten years of living worse than a house elf, on top of my fat cousin beating the shit out of me on a damn near daily basis. They belittled me, called me a freak, and basically drilled into my head that I was worthless and that no one would give a damn if I were to die."

James looked properly horrified.

"The only reason my life is even remotely bearable was that this time I could appeal directly to their greed. And let's not forget it was _Dumbledore's_ fault Sirius was basically was killed by Bellatrix Lestrange, that we had to suffer six long years of 'adventures' that nearly got us killed up to and including a basilisk, mother dragon and a bloody Cerberus. Hell, first time around McGonagall refused to even remotely believe us when we tried to warn her of the problem! And don't get me started on the fact that every teacher there turns a blind eye to blatant bullying and have allowed the house system to become a farce of what it was!"

"Surely they helped a little?"

"McGonagall _literally_ told me to keep my head down and not say anything when I tried to tell her of the new DADA teacher was using blood quills as detention and by that time I realized that they were useless after fourth year. Not a single one stood up in my defense when I was made to participate in the first Tri-Wizard tournament against my will. The entire school turned against me when the news broke out, despite the fact I had said vocally and quite loudly I was hoping for a quiet year! I even went back after the first task when the official rules were brought back to the library and found out there were contingencies against unwilling participants, but none of the adults even _tried_ to protect me!"

James winced.

"So no, I don't trust Dumbledore and if I find a chance to make his life even more difficult for trying to turn me into his personal weapon, then I'm going to take it without hesitation. That man is a bloody pacifist pretending to be a war general, and he holds far too much power for me to trust. And you have to make a choice... either you're with me or you're throwing your lot in with the man who's foolishness got you killed," said Harry flatly.

James didn't hesitate.

"Blacks stick together. I trust Dumbledore, but I'll need to see your memories of what happened the first time before I judge for myself whether he's worthy of my loyalty a second time," said James firmly.

Harry got the family pensieve, and put _every_ memory up until his return to the past into it.

Two days later, James had made up his mind.

Unless Dumbledore proved he wasn't going to sweep the lives of his own men under the rug to possibly redeem a Death Eater's child, James wasn't going to trust him with the lives of his family.

He was also working on Harry's most vocal request for more siblings. He wasn't going to fault his son for wanting more family. It didn't hurt that his wife was amendable to the idea either.

Lily was rather pleased. James and Harry had reached a compromise and were starting the slow road to a proper relationship.

At the very least James wasn't unhappy with his son being a Slytherin anymore.

* * *

James got to see first hand why Harry actually _loved_ being an Auditor and the fact that he was being paid to prank his boss. Harry found it was easier to compromise because he forced his childish father to think, since the man was a barely reformed bully.

Case in point, he blatantly declared an on-going prank war with James, Sirius and Remus once the school year started on the grounds that his father would be too busy trying to prank him to annoy his son with what Harry bluntly called "amateur dramatics".

On an unrelated note Integra found out that Alucard had accidentally found her the perfect accountant who worked for a rather low sum in exchange for her not complaining overly much whenever said accountant went on a drinking binge with the Master vampire and decided to go on a horrifying spree of terror.

She also didn't say how thrilled she was that Harry was more than happy to audit the round table of lords that dictated her budget because they threatened to withhold the money whenever Alucard made more work for them.

He was a mother-fucking Master vampire that happened to work with the humans. He could do whatever the hell he wanted, or else there would be blood!

He found it too funny for words that his new drinking buddy was an auditor who lived to make people that pissed him off suffer. Especially one with a very devious monkey that had far, far too accurate aim when it came to the shit slinging.

The unholy cry of dismay from Draco and other wizards with too much interest in their appearance had been one of the many selling factors for why Harry really, really wanted a monkey.

That and the devious bastard could sneak into the girl's dorms and leave pranks in every house...as Harry had gleefully demonstrated. They had not been pleased when every single one of them had gone to wash their hair and found themselves dyed a bright fluorescent red and gold color.

Fred and George had tipped their hats to Harry... in between dodging the spells sent their way, because obviously the red and gold were Gryffindor colors and Harry preferred his silver and green. Besides, they were asking for a little revenge.

"I still find it disturbing to hear you two cackling together. How the hell did you end up as one of his drinking buddies anyway?" asked Integra.

"The first time we met, the son of Sir Penwood bribed me to audit the Hellsing Organization instead of him, when I came calling about his odd expenditures. You thought it would be hilarious to get me to back off by directing me to the one in charge of your budget, who for some reason lived in the basement. Then Alucard asked me why the wizard's Savior was an auditor and we ended up drinking together and causing mass mayhem in the name of drunken fun."

Integra stared at him.

"What."

"He said and I quote, _I'm a fucking mothering auditor. I screwed over a lot of people to earn that title and I deserve to be treated as such or I'll tie up you and everyone you know in so much paperwork that it would take a God-sent miracle to get through it in your lifetime,_ " said Alucard smugly.

Needless to say Alucard had about lost one of his many, many lives laughing his ass off when Harry said that to his face.

"Why do I get the feeling the first time you met, he took you with him on a 'walk'?" asked Integra.

"There were tanks and a stolen army helicopter involved. That and quite a few hookers, who Alucard was more than happy to share."

Integra looked at the unhinged smirk on his face, and shuddered.

Dear god, it was like looking at a younger, human Alucard who went after people with bureaucracy rather than just general violence and pants-shitting terror.

"On the plus side, you never had to hear the other lords bitch about the budget again when I befriended him," added Harry.

Integra seized on the only thing she could do to keep her sanity.

"I better not have them on my ass for your 'walks'. You deal with the collateral damage without involving me and I'll turn a blind eye so long as you do your job," said Integra without hesitation and a bit of hysteria in her voice.

Walter could not actually blame her. So long as she didn't have to listen to people bitch about her inability to keep Alucard on a leash, she was more than happy to claim ignorance.

If he had to contain the vampiric asshole known as Alucard on a daily basis, he'd gladly accept a mini vacation while he was on his "enthusiastic walks" too.

At the very least it gave her a chance to fill out her paperwork.


	15. Chapter 15

"Wait, so let me get this straight. You went on a midnight walk, killed a homicidal vampire priest, and came back to the mansion with a police girl with big tits and a penchant for cannons," said Harry staring at Alucard.

"Yup."

"Well damn, you need to bring me on more of your walks! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a girl like that who's not afraid to blow the hell out of someone who irritates her with the appropriate level of overkill?" said Harry envious.

Alucard cackled.

"And once again you remind me why you're my favorite bureaucrat," he laughed.

"Oh, I can do one better. If this is the same girl I recall, that means you're going to have a run in with Anderson of Iscariot next and I so want in on that. Screw classes, I've been wanting to deal with him for ages!" said Harry with unholy glee.

"Oh?"

Harry held out a piece of paper...and the second Alucard registered what he was looking at he lost one of his many, many lives laughing his fanged ass off. This was going to be so fucking hilarious it was impossible to describe.

"And best of all I had it verified in this timeline shortly after meeting you a second time. So there's nothing they can do to stop me from using my authority as an extension of the Vatican Accounting Department against them," grinned Harry with just as much 'sanity' as Alucard used on one of his more enthusiastic walks.

"I am so bringing a camera to get his expression when he finds out who and what you are," cackled Alucard evilly.

Harry smirked, and it had all the unholy glee of an Auditor about to unleash the evils of bureaucracy on someone who thought themselves above the necessary paperwork.

Besides, he knew damn well the Vatican accounting department hated Iscariot for going over budget so often and had been more than happy to swear him in as a member so he can force them to provide the proper paperwork.

By the unholy paperwork gods, he loved being an Auditor.

* * *

"...You know most mothers would tell you off for skipping school like this," said Lily, a few weeks later.

"Most mothers worry their teenage sons are getting laid or up to no good. However I'm going to do what I love best... ruining someone's day legally and in a way they can't challenge me to a duel for," said Harry grinning.

Lily sighed.

"Well at least I don't have to worry about you getting detention for pranking people you don't like. And it's less harmful than what your father used to pull at your age," she said.

"I'm off to ruin a priest's day~!" said Harry with a grin on his face.

"I expect pictures and chocolate! The good kind!" she called back.

Harry saluted her with an evil smirk.

 _In Baddrick, later that night.._.

"Oh _hell_ yes."

Harry was grinning like Alucard on a good day as he turned the ghouls into double dead corpses. He found exploding their heads particularly satisfying.

"This is awesome!" said Alucard.

"I know! What's your kill score?" asked Harry over the intercom.

"Higher than yours will ever be," said Alucard grinning.

There was the sound of thuds, and Alucard turned to find Seras whimpering from the pain of having holy blades in her.

"Anderson here?" asked Harry.

"Yup."

"Be down in five. Have fun," said Harry.

Five minutes was plenty of time for Alucard to play with Anderson while he put on his best Auditor persona.

 _One floor down..._

Anderson was grinning. He had decapitated Alucard and put a lot of hurt into the baby vampire. He fully intended to 'play' with this one until he got bored.

The little vampire ran straight behind a thirteen year old with sharp looking glasses and a well pressed outfit. However something about the brat told him that this kid was far more dangerous than the vampire girl.

"Alexander Anderson, of the Iscariot group?" he asked pleasantly.

The look in that boy's eyes sent shivers of dread down his spine. He wasn't physically imposing but his tone did not bode well for him.

"You're being served," said the boy, handing him a piece of paper.

Anderson cautiously took it. It took him a few seconds before his eyes adjusted to read what it said.

"What in the blood soaked Protestant hell is this?!"

"Be sure to share this with your handler Maxwell. I have papers for him as well," said the boy smiling.

"Who the bloody hell are ye?" demanded Anderson. He was so going to kill this kid, vampire or not.

"Auditor Harry Potter. I'm an auxiliary of the Vatican Accounting Department, since the Iscariot has a rather vexing habit of not filing their paperwork properly."

Seras looked at him with disbelief.

"You're not seriously taking on a psychotic priest with auditing paperwork," she asked.

"Paperwork and bureaucracy make the world go round, little vampiress. You'd be surprised how serious it is," said Harry with a straight face.

"Now see here you crazy protestant bastard. I have a job to do and I intend to do it with great enjoyment," said Anderson glaring at him and leveling enough KI to make a normal person shit themselves or faint.

Harry pushed up his glasses with an affronted look.

"Mr. Anderson, your department in the black section of the Vatican have failed to file their accounting paperwork for the past several decades, and quite frankly you were long overdue for a proper audit. Perhaps if you people had filed your forms correctly I wouldn't be here to serve notice of the audit. And for the record, I am a proper Auditor and bureaucrat. Everyone knows we have no souls to begin with," said Harry with perfect seriousness.

The _Dilbert_ comic strips had that right at least. Auditors didn't have souls to begin with, or the traded them in exchange for being taken seriously by the paperwork gods.

Anderson snarled, and prepared to put the fear of the Catholic god into this brat.

Harry stared Anderson down without a lick of fear.

"Go ahead and try," said Harry flatly. "I happen to know something you don't."

"And what would that be, ye soulless heathen bastard?"

Harry smiled, before casually pointing behind Anderson.

"There's always another zombie waiting for the heroes," he deadpanned with a flat voice.

Anderson turned to look...and found nothing. He turned back, and the two were now missing.

"Oh son of a..."

 _Upstairs..._

"...Did you seriously just use horror movie cliches to distract him?" asked Seras in disbelief.

"Why not?" said Harry grinning.

"Where are we going anyway?"

"Eh, killing time for reinforcements to get here, or until Alucard gets bored and decides to show up," said Harry shrugging.

Seras nearly stopped and stared.

"What."

"He's Alucard. You really think a little thing like decapitation would stop him?" deadpanned Harry.

"So me carrying Master's head...?"

"Is just giving him one _hell_ of a good look down your cleavage."

Seras looked like she was seriously contemplating the idea of punting Alucard's head down the hallway.

"So was that bullshit you said about auditing him for real?"

"I never joke about an audit. Do you have any idea how hilarious it is to see big-bad fighters having to deal with paperwork and going through the legal channels to do any fighting with their toys? Sometimes fighting directly is impossible, either because they're too well connected or they have the law enforcement tied up in knots. However no one can block an audit."

Harry's grin suddenly went positively _evil_.

"Besides, have you ever seen how frustrated the big bads get when they have to go through _years_ of paperwork before they can pay for their toys and they can't kill the bearer of bad news?" he snickered.

Seras had the mental image of the deranged priest or better yet, Alucard, having to slog through paperwork and do a lot of math just to pay for their weapons or vehicles...and snickered.

"Okay, that does sound hilarious. But how do you get Master to fill out an expense report?"

"Who says I bother? I do all the accounting for Hellsing and Integra looks the other way if I happen to join or instigate Alucard's walks."

He was the official accountant of the Hellsing Organization. Integra even paid him a tidy sum for doing the books so she didn't have to listen to the lords bitch about it.

Unofficially he was Alucard's drinking partner and walk buddy.

Integra could honestly care less that Harry used her connections as the leader of Hellsing to get more weapons he could play around with and blow up. It was very, very hard to get one's hands on an honest to god bazooka, never mind a simple gun in England.

Unless you were in charge of disposing vampires.

Harry was cheerfully using Alucard as a shield against Anderson. He was so in for it, never mind how furious Maxwell was going to be when he found out they were the target of a very... _thorough_...audit.

* * *

Integra stared at Harry, before she processed what he just said. Alucard had this shit-eating grin on his face the entire time.

"You're putting the Iscariot organization under an audit."

"It might be a off-the-books group associated with the Vatican, but they still receive funding from them. And their accounting department was more than happy to sign me in as an auxiliary member so I could force them to file their backlogged paperwork."

She blinked...before a slow evil grin appeared on her face.

"I'm calling you in so I can see the look on Maxwell's face when he finds out he's being audited by a thirteen year old wizard," said Integra.

"We can have Walter take the pictures so we can enjoy it later," said Harry smiling.

"You are absolutely worth every pound," she said cackling.

If only because he was willing to share the misery with someone who royally pissed her off.

"Believe me, they're really going to hate me when the audit is over. I know for a _fact_ they have several helicopters and have likely been using Anderson to scare off the auditors so they didn't have to deal with the paperwork. I get the feeling we're all going to have fun laughing at Maxwell's misery," said Harry.

* * *

"You're auditing the _Vatican_?" said Hermione horrified and shocked at the same time.

"No, I'm auditing a black book group associated _with_ the Vatican that deals strictly with the supernatural and certain religious sects. The thing is they have all these toys but their paperwork is almost never filed correctly. All the leader of the group does is sign and stamp the files without bothering to do the actual accounting. It's like he expects the department to handle the math."

"...Does he at least file the requisition forms properly?" asked Hermione.

"Nope. He just sends this loose cannon named Anderson if the Accounting Department complains. Total religious psychopath."

"Then they deserve everything that's coming to them," said Hermione.

"To be fair, this is the same group who would have happily joined in on the witch hunts because the bible explicitly states 'Thou Shall Not Suffer a Witch to Live'."

"And you're planning to audit them."

"As I told Anderson, I'm a bureaucrat. I sold my soul to the paperwork gods a long time ago," said Harry.

"Considering the level of unholy glee you get from doing this I believe you," deadpanned Hermione.

"Speaking of unholy glee, how bad was the school hit without me to reign in my father."

"McGonagall doesn't know whether to strangle you for bringing him back and inspiring the twins, or him," said Hermione in a dead voice.

"That bad?"

"I hate you so much for being able to exempt out of his class by claiming you need to do work for the week."

"...Want a copy of what is going to be on the O.W.L.s?"

"I am not going to cheat!"

"Take the tests early and get out of his class and into Sirius' slightly more sane one, or keep subjecting yourself to his ego. Your choice. And I'm mostly planning to ask the upper years what they had to deal with so you know what to study for."

"...Dammit, either way I have to suffer being pranked."

"There is a third option."

"What's that?"

"Ask my mother for the best ways to revenge prank them and make them terrified of crossing a woman during that time of the month. I think she threatened to castrate Sirius and make James sleep on the couch for the rest of his life if he didn't knock it off."

Hermione stalked off to find his mother. He didn't envy either man, since he was pretty much immune because he was far more terrifying.

Harry was halfway to Charms when his phone started ringing.

"Hello? Oh, so Maxwell is meeting you at the museum? Sure, I can make a quick trip so you can get his expression when he finds out that I'm not joking about his entire department being under audit. See you in ten," said Harry cheerfully.

He loved being a soulless demon from the bowels of hell sent to torture the living with math and paperwork.

Harry's evil chuckles paused.

"Wait, I'm not an evil demon from the bowels of hell... I'm an auditor who enjoys his job too much. Then again, is there even an difference to the uninitiated?" he muttered to himself.

Harry left the castle after sending a note while whistling "God Save the Queen".

* * *

 _In the museum..._

Maxwell was very eager to force an apology from Integra. Mostly because he knew it would piss her off, but also because he was appalled by the sheer number of letters and pigeons in the Vatican because Alucard found threatening the Pope funny.

He would have brought Anderson, but the man had been in an insufferable mood since Baddrick and was planning to torture...er, train...some 'lucky' new members. So he had been forced to bring his second choice.

Integra seemed rather...chipper...for a meeting with him. Too pleased, in fact, for it to bode anything good for him. He really wished he could have brought Anderson.

"Hello Maxwell, how is the Pope doing lately?" she said, sounding far too smug for someone asking _him_ for help.

There was no way she wasn't up to something that would ruin his day.

Before Maxwell could insult her in a roundabout way, he saw someone approach that sent shivers of despair down his soul. This was someone he knew without having to say anything that he would never want to be around.

"Sorry I'm late, I'm afraid it took a bit longer than normal to get past the gates," he said pleasantly to Integra.

"You're just in time," she said grinning rather viciously.

Why in God's glorious name was her butler suddenly holding a camera?

"Father Enrico Maxwell? My name is Harry Potter and I'm an auxiliary member of the Vatican Accounting Department. It seems the head of the department has several complaints about your requisition and budgeting forms, so he has assigned me to the case to straighten things out. I'm afraid your funding will be placed on a rather strict hold until everything has been sorted and the paperwork properly filed. You did get the notice we sent a few weeks ago, didn't you?"

Well that certainly explained why Anderson had been impossible to deal with lately.

"I'm afraid that's impossible, I was never notified."

"We sent the notice along with one of your highest ranking members when we encountered them in Baddrick. He certainly seemed to get the memo," said Potter pleasantly, not backing down an inch.

Just being this close to the paper pusher was making his skin crawl.

"Surely we can come to some sort of arrangement? We need that funding to perform our duties for the Pope," said Maxwell smoothly.

The boy took out an official looking clipboard.

"Are you trying to bribe me, sir?" he said with a 'pleasant' tone.

Though only pleasant if you liked having your skin flayed off one layer at a time while salt and fresh lemon juice was being pouring on the wounds.

Why, oh why couldn't he have dragged Anderson with him? He could have scared this kid into backing off and they could have sent him into the damn auditing department to ignore any inconsistencies!

"We still have a meeting to deal with, don't we?"

"I'll be visiting your office by next week, Father Maxwell. Sir Hellsing," said Harry, tipping his head in a respectful farewell.

Maxwell took one look at the Protestant bitch and could tell immediately she _knew_ this was going to happen.

He would see that woman dead for witnessing this embarrassment!

"Hard to believe that brat happens to be my accountant," said Integra smugly.

Yes... he would see Integra Hellsing dead, and soon.

 _Nearby, in another hall..._

"Pay up. I told you I could get Maxwell to look like he swallowed a lemon while a particularly nasty bug crawled up his ass and suddenly died leaving something really unpleasant behind," said Harry.

Alucard chuckled evilly as he handed Harry several large bills. Totally worth it to see that expression on that idiot's face. Best of all Harry was going to keep a record of the painful process by which he would sort out the Iscariot's budget and paperwork, so he could enjoy it later.


	16. Chapter 16

_Day one of Maxwell's week..._

"I'm here to begin the audit. Where's the paperwork?"

"Gah! It's an unholy one!"

"Kill it!"

Harry's eye glinted, knowing full well Integra wasn't the only one laughing her ass at this scene. He had his glasses spelled so everyone in the magical world could watch him defeat one of their worst enemies in a way they couldn't retaliate for.

Needless to say the magical communities who suffered from witch hunts were paying a premium to watch the "Boy Who Lived" perform his own little payback for the misunderstanding the Church started. Especially since it was only muggles who actually died in those things.

And yes, he was wearing a red troll costume to better emulate the level of spiritual death he was about to cause. The entire Auditing Department wore them whenever they were being particularly Lawful Evil. It was a requirement he forced through after he got hooked on the series.

"I sentence you two to a hundred days of being my bitches... I mean lackeys. You will fetch me coffee, paperwork and do any meaningless task I can think of purely because I am an Auditing Troll."

"NOOOO! Please, have mercy!" said the first priest.

Harry made a grand show of looking up the definition of the word, and drawing out the fact he wasn't going to show any.

"Let's see... mercy- compassion or forgiveness show towards someone it is within one's power to punish or harm. Oh, you're mistaking me for someone who has a soul and a heart!" said Harry cheerfully. Ah, the sweet sobs of people who deserved payback for being assholes but you couldn't go after with the legal system or kill them. "Now where's Maxwell?"

The two "personal aides" (read: Harry's new gophers) sobbed in the background.

Harry gleefully acquired four more "personal aides", put ten priests and a nun under a very unpleasant lawsuit that would take decades to sort through in the courts but make him millions, and gave four people heart attacks.

And it was only Monday.

Maxwell took one look him, then his "uniform" before he put on a rather spectacular bitch face. Harry gleefully took pictures.

This was going to be more fun than when he was sent after the man's replacement!

 _Day two of Maxwell's suffering..._

"I cast thee out, unholy demon!"

"Really? Holy Water and a Bible was your best choice? Please tell me you plan to try an actual exorcism next. I have a few people on speed dial who want to have a talk to the next idiot who bothers them in exorcising a demon that doesn't exist," said Harry bluntly.

 _Four hours later..._

Maxwell wasn't the only one prostate on the ground. Every priest, nun and person not Harry was on the ground, including the Pope surprisingly.

The reason being that Yumie tried to exorcise him and Harry used his phone to call through dimensions and bring Micheal himself down to the earthly plane.

"Really, Harry? I thought you already went through the Iscariots?" said Micheal, radiating exasperation.

"That was ten years into the future. I'm mostly here to make Maxwell suffer and Anderson grind his teeth into stubs. Please, tell them the best parts so I can get back to work," said Harry grinning evilly.

Seeing Maxwell faint upon learning a soulless Auditor had an automatic entry into heaven because the two times he was officially "dead" he was an innocent and the second time for being Martyred was hysterical. Even more so was the expression on the Pope's face finding out that Harry did their accounting when the usual guy was on his scheduled vacation.

"Why are you dressed as a Troll anyway?"

"It's tradition. When going after someone who thinks themselves above the proper paperwork and employs a certain level of overkill to keep us away, the one who manages to make it stick must dress as a troll and make the suffering extra painful as a reminder to file and stamp appropriately. The only reason I don't have the pitchfork is because I was going into the Vatican."

"...Please remember we need them to keep the general level of evil low the next time the demons of hell ask you to help them clean house."

"I'll tell Crowley you said hi and that he owes me a new dog because I totally won our random bet," said Harry sipping his coffee.

"How can a saint be on first name terms with a demon?!" demanded Maxwell.

"I said he has a free pass into heaven. I never said he had to stay there, and his form of evil is what the worst of humanity is forced to suffer in the lowest pits of hell. We need people like him to remind humans not to be the scum of the earth," clarified Micheal.

"That reminds me, I need to do Alucard's bicentennial performance review. He needs to maintain a certain amount of being a vampiric asshole sent to earth to make humanity miserable and drive his superiors insane or he'll have to go in for retraining. So far his prospects are good, but you know what they say prevention is the best medicine," said Harry.

"...You said that purely so he would be inspired to go on a 'walk'."

"I hear Rio is lovely this time of year," said Harry smirking.

 _In England..._

" _I have vacation days?!"_

 _Day three..._

"My brain has died. Have I gone to heaven?" said Maxwell over paperwork.

"No, and here's the expense report as it should look like from where Anderson allowed Alucard to use the company jet to return him to England so he can stop terrifying the Catholics in Mexico. And the bill to remove the banner Alucard put up on the massive statue of Jesus, since it's Catholic property and they aren't allowed to bill the protestants since Alucard is a Master Vampire on loan from hell."

"...I think I filled out the last twenty forms wrong."

"No, you filled out the last ten years of your life as a member of Iscariot wrong, as well as filed them to the wrong department. I'm the troll sent to fix the mess. Now get back to work, Paperwork slave."

 _Day five..._

"Good news. You have filed enough paperwork that you will be allowed to go to the meeting over what to do about the Nazi issue. On an unrelated note, Micheal has approved my measure so that if you happen to die before all this is finally finished you will still have to fill out paperwork and send it up via a complicated courier system that makes no sense and was designed by demons to make it impossible for you to get out of hell. So you're screwed either way if you try to get out of this by death~!" said Harry.

"GAH!"

"And if this paperwork I also had filled out is approved, that also covers, sickness, amnesia, coma, and any other way you could get out of doing paperwork."

"I feel faint..."

"Oh, and Crowley agreed to take over for me, since I've been missing too much of my magical education to insure a proper level of torture is done. Have fun with the King of the Crossroads while I finish the backlog of magical homework," said Harry cheerfully.

Harry passed the British looking demon with a cheerful nod, whistling something under his breath. He also passed the "lackey" privileges of the two nuns and the priests to the demon.

Crowley so owed him that damn hell hound to send after people who thought death was an acceptable excuse for getting out of paperwork.

"What did I do to deserve this?" wailed Maxwell and many others.

"You're Catholic. The majority of your branch of the bible is based on personal suffering," answered Crowley. "Now get back to work slave."

* * *

 _Back in England..._

"Harry, why did I get a marriage proposal from Sir Integra Hellsing?" asked James slowly.

"Because she was turned on by the fact she could have two unholy demons to send after other people, and one of them is more than happy to actually do paperwork?" asked Harry rhetorically.

"Nice job on the costume by the way."

"Remind me to loan you my _Dilbert_ Collection. I'm in charge of picking the panel of the week."

"I love Dogbert! He's a hoot," said Sirius grinning.

"I'm a fan of Catbert to be honest," said Harry with a straight face.

"And I'm completely lost," said James.

"Don't worry, your ignorance is one of your charm points as an ignorant pure blood. Sirius had more free time getting tail and reading up on the comics," said Harry with false sympathy.

"I would feel better if you didn't have the oversized pitch fork poking me from behind."

"I don't. I paid Remus to do it for me. Micromanaging for the win!"

"Really?"

"He pays me ten galleons an hour to poke people who have annoyed him at some point, and you were rather snide last week," replied Remus. It was more than he got for being a teacher.

"So how's it going with producing siblings?"

"We have high hopes on that front. Lily said she went to a muggle doctor to see when the best times are for it," said James cheerfully.

"Remember, the sooner you produce siblings, the smaller the chances are that I'll drag you into to file paperwork at some point," said Harry cheerfully.

James shuddered at the idea.

"So how did you end up auditing the Vatican anyway?"

Harry rolled his eyes, adjusting his glasses.

"The Iscariot relied more on intimidating the auditors to ignore the fact that their paperwork had never been properly filed than actually doing it right. Their Auditors were more than happy to add me as a 'side' employee in exchange for correcting the files. Regardless of what religion you worship, deep down all bureaucrats share the same 'faith'. It just so happens that the Paperwork Gods are universal," said Harry simply.

"...I'm not going to ask. Clearly they are gods superior to even Eldritch Horrors the likes of which would make the Christian/Catholic god cringe. And how the hell did you end up on the good side of the angels?!" asked Sirius.

"First time I 'died', I was an innocent. Second time I was a martyr for these idiots who went to my death willingly despite knowing there was nothing in it for me. Things like that tend to get you in heaven's good books to the point you get an almost automatic entry into heaven so long as you don't go really off the deep end. And then I found the perfect way to get my revenge without losing that free ticket, and here we are now. Though I'm still baffled how I ended up being shunted off back into my younger body," said Harry bluntly.

* * *

Integra looked up when she heard the familiar whistling.

"Ah, Harry. I have the expense report filled out for the Blackbird we 'borrowed'," she said cheerfully.

Harry accepted it with a smile.

"How _is_ Seras doing, by the way?"

"She's threatening to send you after the mercenaries we were forced to hire. You may need to go and put the fear of the paperwork gods in them for not filing their tax forms correctly before we resupply them with the ammo they tend to use up."

"Looks like I have plans for the weekend. Oh, and next time you see a Nazi vampire let me know. I want to take my new pet out for a spin," said Harry.

"New pet?"

"Say hello to Lucile," said Harry cheerfully, patting something beside him that she couldn't see. The growling however, was pretty much a clear indicator what it was.

"Where did you get a hell hound?"

"Won a bet off the King of the Crossroads."

"Paperwork in hell...that actually makes more sense than it doesn't. So did you get the offer I sent you after you dealt with that slimeball Maxwell?"

Harry beamed at her.

"Give me two more years and I'll consider it. By then my teenage hormones should have kicked into full gear."

Integra grinned at him, for multiple reasons.

"By the way, where is Alucard? I still have to deliver his review."

"Still on the ship."

"Ah. Thank you, I'll be right back."

* * *

Ignoring the screams was easy. Dodging Alucard's enthusiastic blood sprays was positively annoying.

"Oi, Dracula! I got your review from the underworld!"

Alucard paused in his massacre to look at Harry, blinking for a moment at the hell hound.

"Where'd you get the dog?"

"Won it off Crowley. Good news... you're cleared for another century of death, destruction and all out anarchy since you filled your quota and desecrated a monument to Yahweh. Nice work on that, by the way, even if it was spur of the moment."

Alucard gave him a fanged grin.

"And I thought the declaration of war using impalement of glorified attack dogs was a very nice touch. And you should probably tell your fledgling that she'll have to fill her own quota once she starts taking her duties as a vampire seriously. Otherwise she'll be stuck in retraining," said Harry.

"Want a few Nazi vampires to play with?"

"Lucile... have at it," said Harry. The hell hound barked and was already tearing into them with gusto.

Alucard whistled in appreciation.

"Think Crowley would mind a few games of poker so I can get my own?"

"He still owes me a few grand. I'm sure he wouldn't mind an extra to our usual games..." said Harry.

Alucard grinned.

"Care to join?"

"I would love to, but the Paperwork Gods have apparently decided to give me a backlog for having too much fun in the Vatican. Care to hear what I did to the lackeys I acquired?"

Alucard perked up.

"I handed over all the priests and nuns who annoyed me over to Crowley, so he could make them do all sorts of menial tasks for a very high ranking demon."

Alucard lost one of his many lives from laughing so hard, but it was absolutely worth it.

His favorite drinking partner that wasn't undead was such a delightful troll!


End file.
